Chapter 369: Ice And Blood

A metallic scent filled the air.For a moment, the blood ran thick from the vampire’s hand as though squeezing a blade. But much like his head, the droplets failed to find the floor. They spread outwards instead. A viscous stream of ribbons caught in an invisible gale, before assuming the twisted visage of a great claw ready to snap to a close.

A heartbeat later–

“Hieee?!”

All I saw was a rush of crimson crushing the air overhead.

A pair of hands tugged my ankles from underneath and promptly slid me off the dining table. The landing was the least delicate thing I’d experienced since the last time Coppelia had nudged my waist with her large key in the middle of the night. Which was far too often.

However, the lap I found the back of my head on was rather comfortable. 

I was surprised.

I expected little of common pyjamas. But my librarian had chosen her formalwear for a reason. 

Firstly to earn the indignation of her fellow nobility as they realised that only she as a countess of a past fashion cycle had an excuse to wear it. And secondly to ensure my eyes were allowed a brief respite from needing to look at a far more unworthy vampire.

Fortunately, she wasn’t the only diligent member of my personal entourage. And so I raised my gaze to see Coppelia hard at work on ensuring that the brief respite became something more permanent.

Her graceful form twirled like a ballerina in the air.

Nimbly avoiding the vampire’s magic, all she had for him was an intrigued smile. And also the scythe raised above her shoulder.

“Ooooh~ that’s a new one! Show me again!”

Yes.

Far from feeling dismayed over her failure to poke a vampire’s head while it rolled across the floor, it simply allowed her the opportunity to try again. And between a vampire’s reservoir of blood and Coppelia’s well of enthusiasm, only one would deplete first.

Her golden, fluffy hair lifted to reveal the rare sight of her forehead as she dived. 

Shadows trailed behind the glimmering blade of her scythe. And then only her enthusiasm could be seen as she plummeted past the tightened claw and swept out her weapon, ready to finalise the almost headless state of her opponent. 

… At least until a pinky shot out.

Pooomph!

With a single flick, the conjured claw sent Coppelia through the same window we’d tossed all the unwanted furniture. An added hole in the shape of her ankles and rosy pink shoes now completed the wall around it.

I was horrified.

“H-How dare you!” I said, sitting up from my librarian’s lap. “Coppelia is not to be discarded! Unlike your dining chairs, she is the picture of colour coordination! … I demand that you retrieve her at once!”

The vampire narrowed his crimson eyes at me.

The ones still upside-down.

He waved his wrist and the summoned claw of blood vanished. I hardly saw why. It’d be useful while he was gathering together everything else out there.

“I wish to offer my most sincere apologies,” he said, failing to embolden his lie by grovelling with his detached head. Instead, the strands of blood reattached it to his neck. “I’ve had a moment of reflection. It took my head being severed to realise my rudeness.” 

“Well, I shall offer your head as many epiphanies as you like! To send Coppelia through a window is appalling! This isn’t Ouzelia where a cart of hay is waiting to catch her! … What if she lands in a puddle?”

“Then I suppose I’d simply need to offer more apologies. I mistook the clockwork doll for a mosquito. As a vampire, I’ve a somewhat low tolerance for other things sucking my blood.”

“In that case, I suggest you apologise to the mosquitoes as well! No insect deserves to taste your lack of manners–why, that is a foulness which seeps into every bite!”

The vampire wrinkled his nose.

“Indeed. Here I was, concerned about my image. And yet what poor impression do I make if I dismiss my guests by murdering them as though they were postmen arriving after midday? No, I shall do it slowly instead. My congratulations. You have earned a lifetime of excruciating pain.”

Ugh.

I couldn’t roll my eyes far enough. It wasn’t just his attire. Even his threats came from a wardrobe so old even the dust had wrinkles. 

“Please. I’m a princess. My life is pain.”

A pause met my words.

“Girl. I understand you’ve little genuine wish to entertain any words I as a being of concentrated nefariousness has to say. But that statement is objectively incorrect.”

“Only because you’re not a princess. After all, only one who understands the joy of a pillow catapult knows the pain of losing it. That means I need to occasionally wander outside to do away with any layabouts who threaten to undo my sister’s finest invention.”

The vampire frowned, having never experienced true convenience on demand before.

“I am not a layabout,” he declared, wriggling slightly in lieu of actually being able to straighten his back more. “Do you have any notion of how eternally busy I am? I’m a vampire. This means that for every calamity which has ever occurred, I have been involved in.”

“Yes, I imagine that every child to have ever tripped over a carefully placed stick on the ground stood no chance. The schemes you’ve spent centuries devising are truly devastating.”

A hint of a fang showed as a fresh grimace presented itself.

“I do not place sticks on the ground, girl. I erase the ground. Entire kingdoms have been reduced to nothing but a blackened crater and mournful whispers in the wind.”

“My, is that so? Then I owe you an apology. Clearly, your attire and lack of class has been causing depopulation wherever you go. Is this why you chose a forest for your hovel? Only man eating fire beetles and ruffians to judge you?”

“There is nothing to judge. Least of all my well-tailored attire.”

“No. Least of all is your furniture. That weeps the loudest. I must commend you on the unified attack against my eyes. To wear breeches indistinguishable from ballet tights while also boasting cabinets chiselled by termites is a crafty thing.”

“Everything I own is chosen based on centuries of experience!”

The vampire had the nerve to look legitimately indignant.

I responded as etiquette demanded. With a hand barely covering my smile.

“Ohohohoho! … Experience in what, exactly? Being relentlessly mocked? Why, it’s little wonder why you choose to hide in the shadows! People can only see your fangs and not your lack of good taste!”

My beautiful laughter echoed in the surrounding woodlands. Somewhere, a barn owl took to the sky, having now heard the highlight of this exchange.

It certainly wasn’t the vampire’s tongue clicking.

“Not that this matters … but I have recently awoken after successfully bringing down an empire. And this manor is distinctly not where I wanted to be. Everything that you see from my garments to the wardrobe which holds it was gathered together at very short notice.”

“Please. Lacking organisational skills is hardly an excuse. If I can wake up and find my bathtub prepared, clothes arranged and a line of servants hurrying away with sweat dripping down their brows, then so can a vampire.”

“I have many skills, Princess. All of them enough to ensure you to never enjoy a night’s peaceful slumber again. But I cannot conjure good servants.”

“Why not? You have wings, time and magic. How is it possible that you lack the funds necessary to hire or coerce those without any standards whatsoever? Are you that tragic of a schemer?”

“I am an excellent schemer,” declared the vampire with a jab of his finger. “It is my very occupation. My unlife’s calling. And I do not need to cite my wildly long list of achievements merely to satisfy my dignity against the churlish insults of a girl who doesn’t realise the fate which now awaits her.”

He paused.

“Unless you wish–”

“I do not, no.”

“Fine.” The vampire wrinkled his nose. “Have it your way, then. It matters not. You may witness an example of my work first-hand. That will be your first inkling of the aforementioned pain.”

“I’ve witnessed more than enough. While your demeanour is lacking, your sense for mischief is not. Because of you, my farmers are absent from the fields they should be tending to even though nothing more needs to be done but let them grow.”

A look of puzzlement came across the vampire.

“... Who?”

“My farmers.” I pointed to the side. “The peasants you’ve deliberately roiled.”

“Yes? What about them?”

“What do you mean … what about them? They should be preparing for the summer harvest. They’re now instead protesting, drunk or drunkenly protesting on account of your actions.”

The vampire simply stared.

After a moment, he scratched his chin.

“... Are they now? How useful. Perhaps I can use that.”

“Excuse me?” My mouth widened in horror. “Are you suggesting you didn’t know that my peasants are practically one step away from raising their pitchforks in the wrong direction?”

“Quite so. I had no idea whatsoever. This is a delightful surprise. Your subjects must already be deeply unsatisfied with your family’s rule if they’re protesting just because I’ve ordered a few groups of brigands to hound them slightly more than usual.”

I gasped.

“How dare you! Their joy is as golden as the wheat which laps at their sweat! The only reason for their complaints is that you’re preventing them from seeing their efforts rewarded!”

“I see. Then my desire to see your kingdom turned into even more of an indistinguishable ruin has been blessed with a head start. Once I get around to it.”

I placed my hand to my ear.

“... Come again?”

“My scheme hasn’t actually begun, you see.” 

“I don’t understand. What have you possibly been doing if not scheming?”

The vampire gave a short chuckle. The lines on his face barely creased. 

“Girl. I am a vampire. I do things at my own pace. And as irrelevant as your kingdom is, even the smallest course comes with an appetiser. This is merely a bonus stage before I envelop every window under the glare of a blood moon. I’m embellishing one of my characters.”

“Your characters.”

“The Pale Knight, to be exact. One of my less known aliases. I created him on a whim. It’s been several centuries since I last did anything with him, but I feel there’s opportunity for something unique. First, however, I need to raise his profile. Gruesomely slaying a few hundred knights after honour compels them to each foolishly duel me one at a time will do for a start.”

I could only stare in horror.

A sight which made the vampire almost assume a genuine smile.

Indeed … for what he said was beyond my wildest fears. Few things were more appalling than inciting my peasants into a budding rebellion. But this was one of them.

I could scarcely believe it.

Why … I’d come all this way, bereft of cake, sweets and crêpes … for a vampire who was so beyond hopeless that the closest he achieved to success was by sheer accident!

Not only had he inconvenienced me … but he hadn’t even the politeness to do it with feeling! 

The absolute nerve of this scoundrel!

“Yes, Your Highness,” he said, his lips curling into a faint smirk. “It is as you fear. The gallant souls who have come to defeat this imposter of a knight will find only their dooms. All of your kingdom’s finest warriors will spend themselves against me, never knowing that against a master vampire, their steel is as useful as the rolls of parchment I’ve sent out declaring my presence.” 

I offered a nod, seeing that enough was enough.

As a schemer, this vampire was an abject failure. But when it came to leeching all thoughts of basic decorum, he was exemplary.

“Very well. It seems I was vastly mistaken about your competency. Something I didn’t believe was possible. In that case, I shall assist you with raising your profile by personally adding my voice.”

“Oh? And what will you say?”

“That depends on you. There’s a number of choices available. Walk into a stake, hurl yourself into a cathedral or wait for me to finish building my 99 floor dungeon so that you may be the first to test it. Whichever you choose, I will embellish your demise to make it even more embarrassing.”

The smirk faded.

“How charming. To remain belligerent as your last coherent words before they become the usual sobbing. Sadly, there is an order to things. Before I can instil in you the meaning of regret, I first need to do it for the young countess. Now, if you wish for the coming experience to be slightly less horrendous, then kindly remove yourself from the lap of my vampire so I can thoroughly chastise her.”

I glanced behind me. 

There, wearing an unremitting scowl even as her hands played with my hair, was a librarian whose bearing was higher than any other vampire–regardless of her pink pyjamas or the fact she was sitting underneath a table. 

“I have heard more than enough from you,” she said simply.

“So you say. And yet I merely wish to offer my gratitude. I see you’re clearly responsible for bringing this princess to me. Granted, she makes for a poor apology gift. You should have at least bound her mouth. Her candour is highly unappetising. Nevertheless, I’m grateful you’ve returned.”

Miriam gently nudged me.

She shifted forwards. And as my pillow rose, so too did I. 

“My return is brief. As is yours. Although I enjoy reading without eye strain, it was a mistake to allow you to be the one to offer me that benefit. I will not permit others to make that same mistake.”

The master leech paused. 

He appraised the sincerity before him. And he could find no fault. 

“... Is that so? And what will you do, Countess Estroux? Something blasphemous again?”

“No. Holy magic makes me feel ill.”

“Of course it does,” he snapped, his hand flicking in grief. “What vampire draws holy runes? Not only is it appalling, but it’s also utterly ineffectual. If that’s all you wish to achieve, then why not waste your regular magic upon me?” 

“Because I need to wait first.”

“Wait? Wait for–”

“[Moonlit Flutter].”

Blinking into existence, Coppelia appeared behind the vampire with her scythe already in motion.

Now several leaves in her hair from whatever tree she’d landed in, she wore a zany smile as the silver edge of her weapon swept unerringly towards the neck once more. It found only a whip of blood drawn from a fingertip, immediately lashing out to entangle itself like vines upon the sweeping scythe.

He’d reacted even before he could turn to look. 

When he did, it was with a snort.

“Did you truly think I would fall for that again?”

Coppelia’s smile only brightened. 

It was enough to give the vampire pause. After all, even if the shadows enshrouding her weapon managed to dim the stars, they failed to hide her enthusiasm.

“Yep,” she answered.

A moment later–

“[Flash Freeze].”

Miriam’s hands flared with an icy sheen. The blood creeping across the scythe froze. And the eyes of a rodent widened as though caught sneaking out from its own hole.

Especially as Coppelia wrenched her weapon away.

“Alrighty! Time to see where you keep all the blood~”

She swung once again. 

But this time, it wasn’t a whip of blood which met her guillotining effort. 

“[Sanguine Dianthus].”

It was a crimson flower as wide as a shield. 

Her scythe was practically absorbed into the petals. Yet any hope of anchoring the blade in place was promptly erased when the blood stilled once again, the crimson flower turning crystalline as a layer of frost took hold of it. 

“[Flash Freeze].”

Then, all that could be seen was a slight quivering as Coppelia’s hands gripped the handle of her scythe. The vampire frowned at the sight. And then doubly so at the crack which appeared.

The magic faltered–just before shattering.

Broken beneath the weight of ice and strength, Coppelia’s scythe drove itself towards a vampire whose dreams of a better hovel faded along with a spiteful hiss as he shifted into ethereal mist. He hovered for a moment. A thing worth less an odour before he reappeared on the balcony overlooking the former dining chamber.

The expression he wore was of utter distaste.

In short … the exact opposite of mine!

Indeed, for as I looked upon my loyal handmaiden readying her scythe and my loyal librarian preparing her magic, I was overcome with emotion!

My hands covered my mouth at the sight of my retainers working in tandem for the simple task of litter removal. And I knew I could not sit idly back and do nothing.

“Ohohohohohoho!! Onwards, Coppelia! Go forth, Countess Miriam! You have my blessing! Use any underhanded methods that you desire! Remember–everything is chivalrous in defence of a princess!”  

“Got it! Perfectly legal attack, here we go~!”

Coppelia beamed as she leapt to meet the grimacing vampire. 

She never made it.

Fwooooosh.

Instead, a virulent barrier of blood erected itself around the vampire’s form, steeped with so much malevolence that its very aura did more than the magic itself. Coppelia was physically thrust backwards by an invisible wave, twirling as she went.

The blood lashed like a boiling puddle. 

And this time, no frost could still it. 

However–

Even if nothing could be seen of the vampire hiding within, that didn’t stop a pair of blackened wings from bursting out from the sides like a creature freeing itself from a cocoon.

As the cracks began to form, a single word was uttered towards us.

“Disappointing.”