38: visit

Several days of seemingly calm yet inwardly torturous routine slipped by quietly amidst taut nerves and silent self-interrogation. It was finally a morning off duty. Sunlight filtered through thin clouds, casting a feeble brightness.

Lu Jianchuan had deliberately changed out of his police uniform, that symbol of duty and the past, into a plain, dark grey cotton jacket and trousers without any insignia. This made him feel slightly more at ease, but also more like an ordinary visitor weighed down by concerns.

He first went to a fruit shop that looked clean and bright, lingering for a long time in front of shelves piled high with colorful fresh produce.

He remembered Auntie Liu loved soft, glutinous bananas. Uncle Li, when he was alive, liked crisp, sweet apples with his drinks. Xiao Zhe would always stare at the expensive imported oranges... This thought made his heart clench slightly. In the end, he avoided fruits that would evoke too many specific memories. Instead, he picked out some fine-looking red grapes and dragon fruit, and asked the shop assistant to carefully pack them into a presentable fruit basket.

Next, he went to the bank and withdrew a sum of cash that was not insignificant for him. He carefully sealed it inside a clean white envelope, smoothing the edges over and over to ensure they were neat.

Doing this was less about providing help, and more like grasping the only straw in his drowning heart of guilt. It was a ritual, and a clumsy attempt at self-redemption in the face of his powerlessness to change what had happened.

Carrying the heavy fruit basket, he boarded a swaying bus heading towards the somewhat aged work unit residential compound where Li Ming's family lived. The stairwell was dimly lit. The walls bore the stains of years, difficult to scrub clean, and remnants of old propaganda posters. Yet, the concrete steps were swept clean, without a single scrap of paper in sight.

Sunlight slanted in through the high ventilation window at the stairwell landing, illuminating countless dancing dust motes in the air. The light and shadow cut alternating patches of brightness and darkness on the steps.

He had been here countless times before. In the past, his footsteps were always light, knowing there were elders who cared for him and hot meals waiting behind the door. But now, every step on the familiar concrete stairs echoed hollowly, as if stepping on his own heart.

Standing before the familiar, deep brown security door, the edges of the old Spring Festival couplets pasted on it were slightly curled, and the ' blessing' (fortune) character had faded somewhat. Lu Jianchuan stopped, taking a deep, slow breath, as if needing to gather enough courage before raising his hand to press the somewhat old-fashioned doorbell. The ring sounded inside, drawn-out and empty.

The few seconds of waiting felt exceptionally long. He could hear the faint sound of slippers shuffling on the floor inside, followed by the sound of the lock turning.

"Click."

The door opened a crack from the inside, the security chain still attached. Liu Yuqin's face appeared in the gap. She looked thinner than the last time he saw her, her cheekbones slightly more prominent. Her complexion was a bloodless pallor, and the dark circles under her eyes were like faint shadows. Even though she had carefully tried to conceal them with foundation, they were still visible. Her hair was pulled back into a simple bun at the nape of her neck, with a few stray strands hanging at her temples, adding to her weary appearance.

Seeing it was Lu Jianchuan, a faint glimmer flashed in her clouded eyes, followed by deeper exhaustion. As she unfastened the security chain, she tried to force the corners of her mouth up into an extremely strained smile that seemed on the verge of collapsing instantly.

"It's Xiao Chuan... Come in, come in quickly." Her voice was somewhat hoarse, carrying a listlessness as if she had just woken up. She moved aside to pull the door fully open.

"Auntie Liu." Lu Jianchuan's throat felt tight, his voice dry as he responded. He stepped over the threshold carrying the fruit basket. The familiar scent of the entryway washed over him — the smell of floor wax and a faint, elusive hint of something bitter, like medicine. The living room was still tidy, almost rigidly so, as if every item was fixed in its proper place, lacking the casualness of lived-in life.

Li Ming's memorial portrait was placed in the center of the TV cabinet. The frame was wiped spotless. In the photo, he wore his police uniform, his smile gentle yet resolute, forming a sharp contrast with the silence of the room. In front of the portrait, offerings of fresh fruit and a small cup of clear water were placed.

"You didn't have to bring all this... It's just me and Xiao Zhe at home now, we can't possibly eat so much..." Liu Yuqin looked at the exquisitely packaged fruit basket in his hand, speaking softly. Her tone held no reproach, only a deep sense of powerlessness towards anything extra.

"It's no trouble, just some fruit..." Lu Jianchuan gently placed the fruit basket in an unobtrusive corner, his movements carrying a cautious solemnity.

Then, he took the white envelope from his inner jacket pocket. His fingers unconsciously rubbed its surface for a moment before he bent down and placed it on the clean glass coffee table, pushing it towards Liu Yuqin. "This... you must accept it. In case of any emergencies at home, or for Xiao Zhe's future university expenses..."

Liu Yuqin's gaze fell on the thin envelope, flinching as if burned. The rims of her eyes instantly reddened uncontrollably. She abruptly turned her face away, raising a slightly trembling hand to quickly swipe the back of it across the corner of her eye. She took a deep breath before turning back.

The mask of forced composure had cracked. Her voice carried a barely detectable choke. "You silly child... you haven't been working long yourself... rent, food, everything costs money... We can't take yours... If your Uncle Li... if he knew..." Her words broke off there. She shook her head, as if the words that followed were too heavy for her to bear. She gestured towards the sofa. "Sit, don't just stand. I'll get you some water."

Lu Jianchuan obediently sat on the sofa. The sofa covers were somewhat faded from washing but were very clean. Watching Liu Yuqin's slightly faltering back as she walked towards the kitchen, his heart felt gripped by a cold hand.

"Xiao Zhe... is at school?" Lu Jianchuan took the cup of warm water she offered. The warmth transmitted through the cup's surface couldn't dispel the chill in his fingertips. He grasped for a safe topic, keeping his voice very soft.

"Yes, he's in his final year of high school now. A crucial time. Can't afford to miss a single day." Liu Yuqin sat down on the wooden chair opposite him, her hands unconsciously clasped tightly together, her knuckles whitening from the pressure. Her gaze landed unfocused on the poorly tended pothos plant on the windowsill, its leaves somewhat yellowed and curled at the edges. Her voice was distant.

"That child... he's quiet, takes after his father... No matter how upset he feels inside, he doesn't say a word... It's just his studies, he works harder than before, stays up very late at night..." Her words were full of a mother's worry and a sense of powerlessness at being unable to reach her son's inner world.

Silence fell over the air again, broken only by the regular "tick-tock" of the second hand on the old-fashioned wall clock, rhythmically tapping against the stillness.

After a long while, Liu Yuqin seemed to slowly surface from distant memories. Her gaze softened, landing on some point in the void. Her voice was as light as a dream. "Your Uncle Li... the first time he brought you back for dinner, he specifically asked me to cook two extra dishes that day, and even bought some prepared food... When he came back, he kept telling me, said a good young man had joined the station, with clear, honest eyes, diligent at his work, just a bit... stubborn, set in his ways..."

The corner of her mouth unconsciously curved up into a tiny, genuine smile, tears glistening. "He also said, seeing you alone in this city, with no family or friends, we should look after you more, treat you like another nephew..."

Lu Jianchuan gripped the water cup tightly, the warmth of its surface almost branding his palm.

He remembered that evening clearly. He had been so nervous he was moving awkwardly. It was Uncle Li who slapped his shoulder heartily, laughing and telling him to relax. It was Auntie Liu who kept putting food in his bowl, saying he was too thin and needed to eat more... Those warm scenes now flooded back like a tide, their sweetness barbed, pricking his heart with dense, sharp pain.

"Him, he looked like a rough fellow, but his heart was as fine as the eye of a needle." Liu Yuqin continued, her voice thick with nasal congestion yet steeped in the warmth of the past. "Later, every time you had some achievement at work, solved some small case, or got praised, he'd come home and eat an extra bowl of rice, happy enough to hum a few off-key tunes... He was genuinely, from the bottom of his heart, happy for you..."

These simple, unadorned details, brimming with the essence of daily life, were like the gentlest feathers, softly brushing over the softest, yet most painful, wound on Lu Jianchuan's heart.

He could bear it no longer. He abruptly lowered his head, the stray hair at his forehead falling down, hiding his instantly reddened eyes and the emotions threatening to overflow. He clenched his jaw tightly, forcibly blocking back the surging ache and sob in his throat. He could only stare at his own slightly trembling knees, silent.

This visit held no wailing cries, no hysterical accusations. There was only, in this room saturated with memories and grief, two Souls who had deeply loved and forever lost the same man. Relying on the careful gathering and piecing together of fragments of past warmth, they briefly leaned against each other, drawing feeble warmth to fight against the icy chill of the entire world outside.

And for Lu Jianchuan, this gentle reminiscence from the deceased's closest kin, devoid of any blame, was far more heart-wrenching and shame-inducing than any severe torture.

Liu Yuqin's words flowed like a gentle stream in the quiet room, each drop saturated with the sweetness of memory and the bitterness of loss. Lu Jianchuan kept his head deeply bowed, using almost all his willpower to barely suppress the tempest of emotions raging in his chest.

Just then, a sudden, urgent ringtone from a cell phone acted like a pair of scissors, sharply cutting through the sorrow-laden atmosphere.

The ringtone came from Liu Yuqin's phone placed on the coffee table. She seemed startled, her body giving a slight tremor, jolted out of her immersion in memories. She glanced at the flashing caller ID on the screen, a flicker of confusion and a barely perceptible tension crossing her face—it was class time.

"Hello? Teacher Zhang, hello?" Liu Yuqin answered the phone, her voice still carrying a trace of lingering hoarseness.

Lu Jianchuan looked up, noticing Liu Yuqin's face gradually paling as she listened, her clasped fingers subconsciously twisting tighter together.

"What?... Fighting?... With a classmate?... Is it serious?... Okay, okay Teacher Zhang, I... I'll come right away! Right now!"

After hanging up, Liu Yuqin's hands were trembling slightly. She stood up in a fluster, her eyes filled with confusion and worry. "Xiao Chuan, the school teacher called. Said Xiao Zhe... Xiao Zhe got into a fight with a classmate. The teacher wants a parent to come right away... Look at this... I have to go over immediately..."

As she spoke, she hurried towards the door, but her steps were somewhat unsteady from the sudden shock and the earlier grief.

"Auntie Liu!" Lu Jianchuan immediately stood up, his tone firm. "I'll go with you."

"No, no need, Xiao Chuan. You sit and rest awhile. I can go myself..." Liu Yuqin instinctively refused, not wanting to trouble him further.

"Auntie!" Lu Jianchuan interrupted her, his voice not loud but carrying an undeniable force. "Uncle Li is gone. If there's trouble at home, I can't just stand by. I'm not in uniform now. I'll just go with you to see. If anything happens, I can help out."

His gaze was clear and resolute, carrying a determination to take responsibility. Liu Yuqin looked at him, as if seeing through him the shadow of another person who would always step forward at critical moments. Her eyes welled up again, but this time, besides the sorrow, the tears seemed to hold a faint trace of reliance. She no longer insisted, just nodded heavily, her voice choked. "...Alright, alright. Then... let's go quickly."