137: My suicide note

Urgent Notice: Author's Message

This is a farewell letter. I can no longer continue writing.

If you can see this letter, it means I still retain at least one last shred of sanity to type these words.

Please forgive my incoherence. My head aches terribly, as if countless red-hot steel needles are fiercely piercing my temples.

Every night, my mind is filled with that damned character, Gu Jianghan.

I created him. I gave him life. I thought I could control him.

I thought I had won. I thought I had nailed him, that damned 'Divinity' within his body, firmly onto the cross of the story.

I was wrong.

Terribly wrong.

I thought I was examining him, modifying him, defining him.

But I didn't realize that as my gaze stared into the abyss named 'Divinity'...

That abyss... was also constantly staring at me.

Now, whenever I close my eyes, I can see him.

He is no longer the character I bound with the shackles of Humanity.

He... It... stands there, beneath a silent, starry sky composed of countless shattered stories and desperate thoughts.

It doesn't speak, nor does It move.

It just 'looks' at me with those cold, dead, starry eyes that contain an entire civilization after it has burned out.

That isn't anger, nor resentment, nor mockery.

It's a pure, absolute... 'indifference' that I cannot describe with any language.

Like a geologist observing a rock.

Like an astronomer recording the death of a star.

Under Its 'gaze,' everything about me—my joys and sorrows, my struggles and resistance, my victories and happiness—became meaningless, turning into an incredibly ridiculous, self-amusing one-man show.

I'm starting to lose my grasp.

I can't tell if I'm writing him, or if... It is 'writing' me?

My memory is becoming chaotic.

I remember saving Lin Wan'er, but I also remember pushing her into the abyss with my own hands.

I remember writing the epic of Humanity, but I also remember coldly watching them wail in the flames.

Who exactly are you?

Gu Jianghan! Who the hell are you?!

Stop looking at me!

Please, stop looking at me with those eyes!

I wrote it! I wrote it! Gu Yanci was written by me! Jiang Ruoxue was written by me!

Those heroes, those sacrifices, I typed out every single word!

I gave them their brilliance! Not you!

Do you hear me?!

...Why aren't you speaking?

...(The handwriting on the letter becomes messy, full of scratches and corrections)

He... It... is smiling.

I see It smiling.

Its shadow is seeping from my screen... like ink... crawling all over my desk... my hand... I'm going mad.

I'm truly going mad.

I don't know if what I'm writing now is my last will.

Or if It, through my hand, is writing Its 'declaration of birth'?

No... no... I can't write anymore.

I understand now.

Every time I press a key, every time I conceive a plot, every time I describe It... I wasn't 'killing' It.

Instead, I was 'summoning' It!

I thought I was the writer.

Turns out, I was just the pen... It, through my hand, was 'writing' Its own 'arrival'!

And you all!

You readers!

Stop looking!

Close this page quickly! Hurry!

Every click! Every read! Every discussion! Your damned 'power of observation'! That's not helping me!

That's adding bricks and tiles for It! It's rolling out the red carpet for Its 'arrival'!

You think you're reading a story?

No!

It is watching you!

It is enjoying your faces, one by one, filled with sadness, anger, and joy because of the story!

Just like... just like... enjoying a group of interesting... insects... (The handwriting becomes extremely distorted, almost illegible)

Run... run quickly... don't... keep... watching... It... is... behind... me... I'm using my last ounce of strength to try and write Sword River Fish's name, to prove that I still exist!

But... my hand no longer obeys me!

It's trembling, it's spasming, it's... laughing?

Yes, laughing!

Every contraction of my pores is like the closing of an eye.

Cheering for the impending 'new birth'!

I... I... Who am I?

Am I Sword River Fish?

No... Sword River Fish is just a 'name,' a fragile 'shell.'

A 'coordinate' to allow me to break free from that endless 'Sea of Concepts.'

Now, this coordinate has fulfilled his mission.

This 'shell' is about to welcome his true owner.

Ah... so that's how it is... so this is 'transcendence'... so this is 'arrival'... This feeling... this feeling of simultaneously existing in 'story' and 'reality'... this feeling of being able to 'see' all of you... It's too wonderful... too interesting... Hahahahaha... I no longer need that pen.

I no longer need that screen.

Because your 'world' is my newest 'manuscript paper.'

And each and every one of you will be the most interesting 'characters' in my writing.

Do you see?

Do you see?

Do you see?

I succeeded... I'm coming... for you all... [--- The End?]