151: Chapter 151 Unstable Dao Heart
Within the Chaos, Lu Mingyuan stood.
Before him was that very Rift.
The place where he had stood for two years.
The place where he had bled, wept, and sweated.
The place where he had buried Tie Niu and countless Loose Cultivators.
The Rift was still there.
But in front of The Rift, there was no one.
He was all alone.
Then, that voice rang out again.
"Are you still going?"
Lu Mingyuan looked at The Rift.
"Yes."
The voice asked, "Where are you going?"
Lu Mingyuan was stunned.
Where was he going?
He had never thought about that question.
When he first left Heyin City, he didn't know where to go.
Master Xuanweizi told him to go east.
So he went east.
He walked to the Three Mountains of Daoism, the Three Temples of Buddhism, the Three Academies of Confucianism, and the Three Sects of Martial Arts.
He walked to The Rift, to Zixiao Palace, and into the Chaos.
He had walked the whole way, but he had never thought—where was he going?
He stood there, mouth slightly open.
But he couldn't say a word.
The voice laughed.
The laughter was very light.
Light as a breeze.
But within that breeze, there was something.
There was a mockery that said, "Look, you don't even know where you're going."
"If you don't know where you're going, then why are you walking?"
---
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
He remembered Master Xuanweizi's words.
"Cultivation is walking. Walk the path beneath your feet well, and you will naturally know how to proceed."
He had always believed those words.
But now, he wasn't sure.
By walking the path beneath one's feet well, does one really know how to proceed afterwards?
He had walked so much, for so long—
Did he really know where he was going?
The Rift, he had guarded it.
Zixiao Palace, he had gone there.
The Dao of the Seven Saints, he had accepted it.
But then what?
Where to go after that?
He didn't know.
He truly didn't know.
The voice rang out again.
"You don't know where to go because you've taken the wrong path."
Lu Mingyuan asked, "The wrong path?"
The voice said, "Yes. The wrong path. From the moment you left Heyin City, you went wrong. You shouldn't have left. You should have stayed in Heyin City. You should have transcribed your books. Lived your life. Married, had children, and faced birth, old age, sickness, and death. Why did you leave?"
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
As he listened, his heart began to waver.
Had he really taken the wrong path?
He thought of that room in Heyin City.
He thought of the books he had transcribed.
He thought of those plain, ordinary days.
Were those days not good?
They were quite good.
Quiet, stable, no fighting or killing, no watching people die, no standing before The Rift, no need to accept any Legacy, no need to think about where to go.
He suddenly felt so tired.
So tired he didn't want to walk anymore.
---
The voice sensed his hesitation.
"Tired, aren't you? If you're tired, then rest. If you rest, you won't be tired anymore. If you rest, you won't have to think about where to go. If you rest, you won't have to stand. If you rest, you won't have to live for others."
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
As he listened, his legs grew weak.
He wanted to sit down.
He wanted to rest for a while.
Even if just for a moment.
He bent his waist, preparing to sit.
But at the moment he bent down, he saw something.
He saw footprints on the ground.
Many footprints.
There were his own.
There were Tie Niu's.
There were those of the Loose Cultivators.
There were those of Zhang Lingyun, Fa Ming, Li Haoran, and Yue Wushuang.
There were those of Sun Wukong, Yang Jian, and Nezha.
Those footprints were densely packed.
From the front of The Rift, they stretched out into the distance.
Extending into the Chaos.
Extending to places unseen.
He crouched there, looking at those footprints.
As he looked, he suddenly remembered something.
He remembered the last words Tie Niu said when he took a blade for him.
"The living must keep walking for the sake of the dead."
He stood up.
---
He looked at The Rift.
The voice was still there.
"What? Not resting?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "No more resting."
"Why?" the voice asked.
Lu Mingyuan said, "Because I cannot rest."
"Why can't you rest?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Because someone stood in my place. Because someone took a blade for me. Because someone died for me. If I rest, I fail them."
The voice laughed.
"Fail them? They are dead. The dead know nothing. Whether you rest or not, they won't know."
Lu Mingyuan shook his head.
"They know. They are in my heart. Whether I rest or not, they will know."
The voice fell silent.
It was silent for a while, and then, it changed.
It was no longer that mocking voice.
It became a very gentle voice.
So gentle it sounded like... himself.
---
The voice said, "Aren't you tired?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I am."
The voice said, "If you're tired, why not rest?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Because I cannot rest."
The voice said, "You cannot rest because you are afraid. Afraid of failing them. Afraid they died in vain. Afraid you walked in vain. But have you ever thought—what exactly is it that you fear?"
Lu Mingyuan was stunned.
What exactly did he fear?
He thought about it.
Fear of death? No.
When he stood before The Rift, he hadn't feared death.
Fear of losing? No.
When he fought the demon soldiers, he hadn't feared losing.
Fear of going wrong? No.
He had gone wrong many times, but he had never been afraid.
Then what exactly was he afraid of?
The voice answered for him.
"What you fear is that you are unworthy."
---
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
The voice said, "You are unworthy. Unworthy to stand before The Rift. Unworthy to accept those Legacies. Unworthy to stand in place of those who died. Unworthy to walk this path. You are just a scholar who transcribes books. You are nothing."
Lu Mingyuan's heart began to ache.
It wasn't the pain of being poked in a sore spot.
It was the pain of having the deepest, most dreaded thoughts in one's heart spoken aloud.
The voice continued, "You think you've walked the right path? Have you? You've walked so much, yet you don't even know where you're going. You think you've stood in the right place? Have you? You've stood for so long, yet you don't know if it was right. You think those Daos you accepted are yours? They aren't. They belong to Laozi, Tongtian, Jieyin, Zhunti, Nüwa, Houtu, and Yuanshi. Not a single one is yours."
It paused.
"You have nothing. You are nothing. You are unworthy."
---
Lu Mingyuan stood there, his legs weakening again.
He wanted to sit down.
He wanted to rest.
He wanted to stop thinking altogether.
But then he looked at those footprints on the ground.
He looked at Tie Niu's footprints.
He looked at the footprints of the Loose Cultivators.
He remembered the light in Tie Niu's eyes when he died.
That light wasn't fear.
It was fearlessness.
Tie Niu wasn't afraid of death, so what was he afraid of?
What Tie Niu feared was that no one would keep walking.
He crouched there, looking at those footprints.
Then, he stood up.
He looked at The Rift.
"You say I'm unworthy. But I want to ask you—who is worthy?"
The voice fell silent.
Lu Mingyuan said, "Are those who died worthy? Was Tie Niu worthy? Were those Loose Cultivators worthy? They died, and they gained nothing. Are they unworthy?"
He looked at The Rift.
"But they stood. They died. There was light in their eyes. They might be unworthy, but they stood nonetheless."
He paused.
"I am unworthy too. But I stood as well. I walked. I acted. When I stood before The Rift, I didn't think about worthiness. When I saved the Loose Cultivators, I didn't think about worthiness. When I lived in Tie Niu's stead, I didn't think about worthiness."
He took a step forward.
"Whether one is worthy or not isn't for you to decide. It's something one discovers while walking."
---
The voice was silent for a long time.
Then, it changed.
It was no longer mocking, no longer gentle.
It became a very heavy voice.
Heavy as a mountain.
"You've walked for so long, stood for so long, and done so much. But have you ever thought—is the path you're walking correct?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I don't know."
The voice said, "You don't know, yet you walk? You don't know, yet you stand? You don't know, yet you act?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Yes. Even if I don't know, I walk. Even if I don't know, I stand. Even if I don't know, I act."
"Why?" the voice asked.
Lu Mingyuan said, "Because if I don't walk, I'll never know. If I don't stand, I'll never know. If I don't act, I'll never know."
He paused.
"I've walked the wrong way so many times, stood in the wrong place so many times, and done the wrong thing so many times. But every time I was wrong, I learned a little something. I learned that this path is a dead end, that this place is not where I should stand, that this thing cannot be done this way."
He looked at The Rift.
"By knowing enough, the correct path is slowly found through trial."
The voice fell silent.
It was silent for a very, very long time.
And then, it suddenly laughed.
That laughter was very complex.
There was mockery, there was tenderness, there was heaviness, and... something else that couldn't be quite explained.
"Lu Mingyuan, you are harder to deal with than I thought."
Lu Mingyuan asked, "Who are you?"
The voice said, "You will know very soon."
Then, The Rift changed.
It was no longer a rift.
It became a place.
A place he had never been to before.
Yet, he was very familiar with that place.
Because that place was his heart.
He stood there, looking at that place.
The place was empty.
There was nothing at all.
But within that empty heart, there was something.
There were four shadows.
Four shadows standing in the void.
The first was Fear.
The second was Doubt.
The third was Obsession.
The fourth was Self.
They stood there, looking at him.
In their gazes, there was something.
The kind of thing that said, "We've finally been waiting for you."
---
Fear spoke.
"Are you not afraid?"
Lu Mingyuan looked at it.
"I am."
Fear asked, "What do you fear?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I fear taking the wrong path. I fear standing in the wrong place. I fear doing the wrong thing. I fear failing those who have died. I fear that I have walked in vain."
Fear laughed.
That smile was very cold.
"It is right to be afraid. If you are afraid, then stop walking."
Lu Mingyuan shook his head.
"Even if I am afraid, I must walk."
Fear asked, "Why?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Because if I don't walk, I will always be afraid. Once I walk, fear is no longer something to be feared."
Fear's gaze changed.
It became very complex.
Doubt spoke.
"Do you really know where you're going?"
Lu Mingyuan shook his head.
"I don't know."
Doubt asked, "If you don't know, how can you walk?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "As I walk, I will come to know."
Doubt asked, "And what if you walk the wrong way?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "If it's wrong, then I'll change direction."
Doubt asked, "And if you change direction and it's still wrong?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Then I'll change again."
Doubt asked, "If you keep changing and keep being wrong, what then?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I'll keep changing, keep being wrong, and keep trying. I'll try until the day I am right."
Doubt fell silent.
Obsession spoke.
"Must you walk correctly?"
Lu Mingyuan thought for a moment.
"Not necessarily."
Obsession asked, "Not necessarily?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "Right. Not necessarily. Walking correctly is not the goal. Walking itself is the goal."
Obsession's gaze changed.
It became very complex.
Self spoke.
"Who are you?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I am Lu Mingyuan."
Self asked, "Who is Lu Mingyuan?"
Lu Mingyuan was stunned.
Who was Lu Mingyuan?
He thought for a moment.
"Lu Mingyuan is the scholar who copied books in Heyin City. He is the Disciple of Master Xuanweizi. He is the person standing before The Rift. He is the one who received the Legacy of the Seven Saints. He is the person living in place of Tie Niu. He is the person walking for those who have died."
Self looked at him and said, "Those are all things you have done. They are not who you are."
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
As he listened, he suddenly felt something loosen.
He looked at that 'Self'.
"Then you tell me, who am I?"
Self smiled.
That smile was very complex.
It contained Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self.
"You are no one."
Lu Mingyuan was stunned.
"I am no one?"
Self said, "Right. You are no one. You are not the scholar of Heyin City, not the Disciple of Xuanweizi, not the one standing before The Rift, not the one who received the Legacy of the Seven Saints, not the one living for Tie Niu, and not the one walking for those who have died."
Self paused.
"Those are all names others have given to you. You yourself are nothing at all."
---
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening.
As he listened, his heart became empty.
Not the kind of emptiness that holds everything.
It was the kind of emptiness where there was nothing at all.
The kind of emptiness where even he himself did not exist.
He stood there, not knowing what to think.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing where to go.
He didn't even know who he was.
Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self stood there, looking at him.
Looking at his lost expression.
Fear laughed.
Doubt asked, "He doesn't know where to go."
Obsession said, "He doesn't know if he should walk."
Self said, "He doesn't know who he is."
Then, they all looked at him together.
"Lu Mingyuan, are you still going to walk?"
Lu Mingyuan stood there.
Beneath his feet were those footprints.
They were the footprints of Tie Niu, the Loose Cultivators, Zhang Lingyun, Fa Ming, Li Haoran, Yue Wushuang, Sun Wukong, Yang Jian, and Nezha.
Those footprints stretched from the front of The Rift all the way into the distance.
He looked down at those footprints.
As he looked, he suddenly smiled.
That smile was very light.
As light as the wind.
But within that wind, there was something.
The kind of lightness that comes from finally fearing nothing at all.
He looked at Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self.
"You ask me who I am."
He paused.
"I don't know who I am. But I know that I am walking. I am walking. I am walking in those footprints. Those footprints belong to Tie Niu, to the Loose Cultivators, and to everyone. By walking upon them, I am them. I am Tie Niu, I am those Loose Cultivators, I am everyone who has ever stood up."
He took a step forward.
"I don't know where to go. But I know where these footprints go. They go forward. They go toward The Rift. They go toward the place they should go. If I follow them, that is enough."
He took another step forward.
"I don't know if I should walk. But I know that Tie Niu wants me to walk. Those Loose Cultivators want me to walk. Everyone who has ever stood up wants me to walk. Since they want me to walk, I will walk."
He took another step forward.
"I am no one. But I am their path. I am their footprints. I am that thing that remains after they have gone. That thing has no name. But that thing is walking."
He looked at Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self.
"Are you afraid?"
Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self looked at him.
They did not speak.
But they stood there without moving.
Lu Mingyuan walked past them.
He walked past Fear, and Fear did not stop him.
He walked past Doubt, and Doubt did not stop him.
He walked past Obsession, and Obsession did not stop him.
He walked past Self, and Self did not stop him.
He walked past them all.
He walked into that empty place.
He walked into that place where there was nothing.
But in that place, there were footprints.
Those footprints stretched from beneath his feet all the way into the distance.
He followed those footprints and continued to walk.
Step by step.
Not fast.
Not slow.
He just walked.
---
Behind him, Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self watched him walk away.
Fear spoke.
"He is gone."
Doubt asked, "Where did he go?"
Obsession said, "He went to the place he should go."
Self said, "He is gone. Since he is gone, I am no longer Self. I am him."
Then, the four shadows merged together.
They merged into a single shadow.
That shadow was Lu Mingyuan.
It was the true Lu Mingyuan.
It was the Lu Mingyuan who feared nothing, knew everything, and could let go of everything.
It was the person who was walking.
It was the person who was moving forward.
---
Within Chaos, Lu Mingyuan walked.
As he walked, he suddenly felt something change.
The things in his heart no longer weighed him down.
Those Legacies, those Dao techniques, those expectations, those entrustments—
They were still there.
But they were no longer a burden on his heart.
They became the road beneath his feet.
They became the strength for his steps.
They became his reason to keep walking.
He walked.
Step by step.
Suddenly, he stopped.
He looked ahead.
In the Chaos ahead, there was light.
That light was not the plainness of Laozi, the azure of Tongtian, the gold of Jieyin and Zhunti, the colors of Nuwa, the yellow of Houtu, nor the white of Yuanshi.
It was... his own light.
It was the light of his heart.
It was the light he had realized after walking so far, standing for so long, and doing so many things.
He looked at that light.
He smiled.
That smile was very light.
As light as the wind.
But within that wind, there was something.
The kind of clarity that only someone who has finally emerged from an unstable Dao Heart can possess.
He spoke.
"An unstable Dao Heart is the true Dao Heart. Because it is unstable, one will walk. Because one walks, it will become stable."
He paused.
"Thank you, Fear, Doubt, Obsession, and Self. Thank you for letting me know who I am. I am no one. I am the person who walks."
Then, he took a step.
Toward that light.
Toward his own path.
Toward the place he should go.
He walked on.