153: Chapter 153 The Demon of Doubt
Lu Mingyuan walked, stepping into the mist. The fog was thick, so dense that it seemed as if nothing could be seen. He couldn't see ahead, he couldn't see behind, and he couldn't see beneath his feet. He could only feel the path underfoot—those footprints were still there. Tie Niu's, the Loose Cultivators', everyone's. He followed those footprints, step by step.
As he walked, voices emerged from the fog. It wasn't just one person's voice, but the voices of many. Some he recognized, some he didn't. There were voices from the Daoist sects, the Buddhist temples, the Confucian academies, and the martial arts schools. There were voices of the living and the dead. Those voices blended together in a buzzing drone, making it impossible to hear clearly what was being said. Yet, in every voice, there was the same question: "Is it right?"
Lu Mingyuan stopped and stood in the mist. Those voices grew louder and more frequent. "Is the path you walk right?" "Is the place you stand right?" "Is what you do right?" "Is the Dao you accepted right?" "Is the truth you comprehended right?" "Is what you believe right?" Every "Is it right?" was like a needle, pricking at his heart.
He wanted to answer "Yes." But he couldn't open his mouth. Because he wasn't sure. Had he truly walked the right path? From Heyin City to the Three Mountains of Daoism, the Three Temples of Buddhism, the Three Academies of Confucianism, and the Three Sects of Martial Arts—was it right? To reach The Rift, stand before it, and fight for two years—was it right? To reach Zixiao Palace, debate for six rounds, and accept the Legacy of the Seven Saints—was it right? To enter Chaos, walk for so long, and pass the Heart Demon of Fear—was it right? He didn't know.
In the mist, those voices ceased. Then, a figure walked out from the fog. That person was very old. Old like Xuanweizi, yet not Xuanweizi. Old like an Elder of the Daoist sects, an old monk of the Buddhist temples, an Old Scholar of the Confucian academies, or an old Master of the martial arts schools. Old like everyone who had ever asked him, "Is it right?"
The person looked at him with something in his gaze. There was scrutiny, there was doubt, and also... a trace of compassion. "You cannot answer." Lu Mingyuan nodded. "I cannot answer." The person asked, "Why can't you answer?" Lu Mingyuan thought for a moment. "Because I am not sure."
The person smiled. That smile was very bitter. "Not sure, yet you walked so far? Not sure, yet you stood for so long? Not sure, yet you did so many things?" He looked at Lu Mingyuan. "You weren't sure, but you still walked. You weren't sure, but you still stood. You weren't sure, but you still acted. Aren't you afraid of walking the wrong way?"
Lu Mingyuan said, "I am afraid. But only by walking can one know right from wrong." The person asked, "And now? After walking so far, standing so long, and doing so many things—do you know right from wrong?" Lu Mingyuan fell silent. He truly did not know. Were the paths he walked right? Were the places he stood right? Were the things he did right? He didn't know. He thought he would know upon reaching Zixiao Palace, but he didn't. He thought he would know after accepting the Legacy of the Seven Saints, but he didn't. He thought he would know after passing the Heart Demon of Fear, but he still didn't know.
The person looked at him. "You do not know because there is no right or wrong." Lu Mingyuan was stunned. "No right or wrong?" The person nodded. "Correct. There is no right or wrong. The path has no right or wrong. Standing has no right or wrong. Deeds have no right or wrong. You think there is right and wrong, so you want to know which is which. But there is no right or wrong. There is only walking, only standing, only doing."
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening. No right or wrong? He had never considered this question. He had always been searching for the right path, the right place, the right deed. But if there was fundamentally no right or wrong, then what was he searching for? The person looked into his eyes. "You seek right and wrong because you fear being wrong. You fear being wrong because you believe there is a right. But only if there is a right can there be a wrong. Without right, there is no wrong."
Lu Mingyuan's heart began to loosen. It wasn't the kind of loosening from being persuaded, but like a string that had been pulled taut for too long suddenly being cut. He had always been searching for the right, but if there was no right or wrong, then he didn't need to search anymore. He looked at the person. "Then... how should I walk?"
The person said, "You are already walking. Just walk. Do not worry about right or wrong. Walking is right. Not walking is wrong. If you walk, there is no wrong. Only not walking is wrong."
Lu Mingyuan stood there, listening. As he listened, he suddenly remembered something. He remembered at The Rift, once, he had made a decision. That decision later proved to be wrong. Three people died. He was very sad and felt he had taken the wrong path. But at that time, if he hadn't made that decision, even more people would have died. He made the decision, and three people died. If he hadn't, more would have died. Was that right, or wrong? He didn't know. But he knew he had done what needed to be done. At that moment, in that place, under those circumstances, he had done the best he could. Did that count as wrong?
He looked at the person. "You say there is no right or wrong. But I feel there is." The person raised an eyebrow. "There is?" Lu Mingyuan nodded. "There is. Not an external right or wrong. It is a right or wrong in the heart. It is the kind of right or wrong where the heart knows whether one should stand while standing. It is the kind of right or wrong where the heart knows whether one should act while acting. It is the kind of right or wrong where the heart knows whether one should walk while walking."
He took a step forward. "At The Rift, I made a decision. That decision was wrong, and three people died. But when I made that decision, I knew in my heart it was what should be done. If I didn't do it, more would die. I did it, and three died. If I hadn't, more would have died. I chose for three to die. Was that right, or wrong?"
The person looked at him. "What do you feel in your heart?" Lu Mingyuan thought for a moment. "In my heart, I feel it was right. Because if I hadn't done it, more would have died. I did it, and only three died. That was right. But as a result, three people still died. Three lives were gone. That, in turn, was wrong."
The person asked, "Then was it right, or wrong?" Lu Mingyuan was silent. Then, he suddenly smiled. That smile was very bitter. But in that bitterness, there was something. "Right is also wrong. Wrong is also right. While doing it, I felt it was right. After doing it, I felt it was wrong. But if I had to choose again, I would still do it. Because it was what should be done."
The person looked at him, his gaze changing. "Are you saying there is no absolute right or wrong?" Lu Mingyuan shook his head. "It's not that there is no absolute right or wrong. There is, but I cannot see it clearly. From where I stand, I cannot see clearly. On the path I walk, I cannot see clearly. In the things I do, I cannot see clearly. All I can see clearly is that 'should or should not' in my heart."
He paused. "If it should be done, do it. If it shouldn't, don't. After doing it, if it was right, then the path was right. If it was wrong, then the path was wrong. But even if it's wrong, it's still walking. By walking, you know it was wrong. Once you know, you won't be wrong next time. Being wrong isn't walking for nothing. It's knowing that this path doesn't lead through."
The person was silent for a long time. Then, he asked, "Then right now, do you know if you should walk?" Lu Mingyuan said, "I know." The person asked, "Should you?" Lu Mingyuan said, "I should." The person asked, "Why?" Lu Mingyuan said, "Because if I don't walk, I will never know. If I walk, I will know. I will know right, I will know wrong, I will know what should be, and I will know what is worth it. If I don't walk, I know nothing."
The person looked at him for a very long time. Then, he smiled. That smile was no longer bitter. It was a smile of relief. "You are stronger than I." Lu Mingyuan asked, "Are you also Doubt?" The person nodded. "Yes. I am your Doubt. I am that 'is it right' in your heart. If you walk, I am gone. If you do not walk, I will always remain."
His figure began to fade. "Go. Walk for me as well." Then, he vanished. Vanished into that mist. Vanished into those countless "is it right?" questions. Vanished into that void that was nothing at all.