Chapter 348: Customer Service

Djinn.There were as many peddlers of wishes as there were barkeepers in my kingdom. 

For just a handful of crowns and the bottom of a cup, even the muddiest peasant could see their most treasured dream of personally disappointing me as a servant come to fruition. 

But those who weren’t barkeepers? 

Purveyors of falsehoods. 

Con artists at the level of a troll merchant whose claims that a bottomless bag was worth far more than 500 gold crowns and that I would never once secretly regret purchasing it while rolling back-and-forth in the middle of the night as I thought about which two books I could have bought instead. 

After all, the magic of wishes was not for any mage to cast, nor any vendor to sell. 

That was exclusively the realm of swindlers and tricksters.

The djinn … were absolutely no exception.

Taking the form of beautiful maidens and handsome gentlemen, these spirits were as vain as they were unhelpful.

They had their own narrative, of course. A carefully curated tale of generosity woven by the charm of their smiles and the allure of their promises. A wish here. A wish there. A dragon’s hoard for a peasant or an empire for a lord, each tossed as freely as carrots beneath the dining table.

But for all the folklore they hoped to spew, their reputation was stronger.

Childish at best and malevolent at worst, the djinn were little more than larger nymphs–including the amount of mischief they could cause. 

Despite their ability to make the wishes of mortals come true, they were also famously blasé about the finer points. Because more often than not, that dragon’s hoard also came with the dragon. And that kingdom came with poison in every cup. 

Even so … for all their unpredictability, their powers couldn’t be denied. 

As spirits who commanded magic more ancient and enigmatic than any archmage could command, they could shatter a kingdom as easily as the expectations of those who failed to heed the warnings. For beneath the surface was pride as temperamental as their whims.

Unfortunately for the djinn, I was a princess. And this meant my pride had priority.

“Hm hmm hm hmm hm ♫.”

Thus, I hummed to myself while tossing away everything I saw.

Pillows, carpets, goblets and plates. 

Everything but the sand beneath my boots was launched behind my shoulder as I went through the djinn’s abode like a hedgehog through my rhododendrons. 

Firstly because they were an eyesore. Secondly because they were in the way.

Again and again, pieces of loose upholstery or tableware went flying behind me … each sadly missing the observing maiden who was standing, or rather, hovering by the entrance.

“... Dear customer, may I ask what you’re doing?”

“Hm?” I turned around, wiping a non-existent bead of sweat from my brows. “Ah, my apologies for the commotion. I’m searching for something.”

“Goodness, I had no idea! I thought you were simply ransacking my home. And what is it you’re searching for? I might be able to help. Customer service is my forte.”

“Oh? Very well. then. I’m searching for a magic lamp.”

“A magic lamp? That’s quite a rare thing. May I ask what you need it for?”

“Certainly. I need a magic lamp so I can break it and return to my kingdom where the sun doesn’t threaten to incinerate my forehead. Now, where might this source of your magical power be?”

The djinn giggled. 

A sound so melodic that songbirds would take note, if only to learn how to disturb my naps more. 

“I’m afraid I’m not sure. My magic lamp no longer has any ties to me. I was released so many years ago that the memories have faded into the sand. I’m now a wandering spirit, free to travel where I desire, to aid those whose souls are lost in plight … and I see from your urgency that you’ve arrived at the Oasis of Dreams not a second too late.”

“Yes, well, that much is obvious. I recently saw a goblin marketplace more organised than this. Upending this tent has only made it better.”

The djinn’s beautiful smile creaked.

A moment later, she rose a few inches in the air. The swirling mist beneath her intensified, and a warm light even brighter than the sun gathered around her silhouette.

“Dear customer, I see you’ve many questions,” she said in a deliberately soft voice. “And although your reaction of instantly desecrating my carefully organised pavilion is different to every single visitor I’ve had until now, I offer my reassurances. You have nothing to fear from me. For I am here only to help shed the weight from your soul.”

I clapped my hands in delight.

“... My, why didn’t you say so! I apologise, I react adversely to being kidnapped by loitering djinn masquerading as strange women by the side of the muddy road.”

“That’s understandable. Being kidnapped by strange women sounds like a frightening ordeal. Fortunately, I am Amissa the Benevolent. And my only oddity lies in my kindness.”

“Wonderful. Then you can kindly send me back to where I was.”

The djinn smiled. All the while not sending me back.

“... Hm. How unusual. Perhaps you’ve been disoriented by the blinding sun? Normally this is where I explain who I am and what the Oasis of Dreams is. It’s very rare for anyone to show so little curiosity in a djinn or the stress reducing paradise around them.”

“My curiosity lies in how my handmaiden steals the pillow without the dent in it while my face is still buried within it. Why I’d be kidnapped is less of a mystery. Now, will you be sending me back?”

“Certainly! … But are you sure you don’t wish to tour the wonderful healing oasis first?”

“I’m sure, yes.”

“It’s just that I’ve worked tirelessly on arranging it. It wasn’t easy. Even as a djinn, encouraging life to bloom in the most arid of locations is a stunning feat.”

“You should continue tending to your work, then. Perhaps until it becomes a verdant forest. For example, the one I’m waiting to return to.”

I tapped my foot.

And then I waited. A concept utterly foreign to me. 

My tapping foot was the only thing stronger than the servant’s bell. The fact that I wasn’t already looking around for ambushing squirrels was a disgrace. 

The djinn said that customer service was her forte. Yet were this the Royal Villa, every steward would be desperately rushing to do every task while wondering which specific one I wanted done.

Eventually, however, her shoulders fell.

“Very well … it’s clear I was mistaken in bringing you here. In that case, I apologise wholeheartedly for any distress caused. I am unused to the traditions of humans. As a benevolent spirit, I only sought to offer a moment of respite from the troubles which plague your heart.” 

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.

“... Truly?”

“Truly.”

“No ulterior motives? No hidden schemes? You just … want to show off an oasis?”

The djinn smiled amicably. 

Then, she leaned to her side … and swept away the entrance to the pavilion.

“Not just an oasis,” she said brightly. “But a healing oasis. Please gaze upon the glittering waters. Do you feel the wicked desires of your heart fading away? Good. Note also the swaying palm trees and allow the corruption within you to bleed away to the calming sight. Because once you’re done, you can also immerse your eyes upon the carefully combed golden dunes in the distance. Feel your mushy and frail body relax as you peer upon the unbroken sand.”

I winced, not seeing a thing amidst the sunlight melting my eyes.

“It’s very blinding.”

“Wonderful! I’m so happy the experience had such a positive effect on you. And now that you’re healed, you may leave. I sense another customer in need of my oasis coming down the road.”

I blinked, as much to repair my eyes as study the djinn’s highly unusual demeanour.

“I see … and where is the door?”

“There is no door. You need to wish your way out.”

“Excuse me?”

“You need to wish in order to exit. Not just in your head, but also out loud.”

“You’re asking me to make a wish?” 

“Yes.”

“Can you not simply send me back the way I came?”

“I could. But the logistics of sending you back isn’t quite as straightforward as bringing you here. Because of reasons. As a result, the complex teleportation spell required is far less reliable than even the most reckless would dare. However, if you were to make a wish, then the magic imbued upon me would guarantee your safe and prompt return.”

The djinn offered a pleasant smile. I smiled in response.

And then–

I jabbed my finger towards her.

“What sort of scam is this … ?!”

“This isn’t a scam.”

“This is a scam! I don’t know what it is, but I can smell it like a rotting trout!”

“This isn’t a rotting trout. It’s the Oasis of Dreams.”

“Why do I need to make a wish to exit a dream?! What is your motive?! Even without kidnapping me, there is clearly something shady about this!”

“There’s nothing shady at all. This is a legitimate healing enterprise. Look.”

The djinn pointed to the side.

There, stuck upon the fabric wall was a scroll of parchment. 

I leaned in to read it.

Amissa the Benevolent.

Proprietor of THE OASIS OF DREAMS.

The Magic Lamp Society.

#1 ranked djinn by wishes successfully delivered. 

The floating maiden smiled proudly.

“You see? … Not only is this perfectly legitimate, but I am indeed the very highest rank djinn there is. It is, quite literally, impossible to be as trustworthy as me. As of this moment, I’ve successfully granted more wishes than any other. And it would be my joy to grant yours as well. Now, merely wish to return home like everyone else, and I shall see it done.”

I raised my arms in exasperation.

“Are you kidnapping random people to a puddle in the desert to … to extort wishes?!”

A feigned gasp met me.

“That is a terrible accusation.”

“So it’s true!”

“Not in the slightest. To suggest this is a kidnapping is highly inappropriate. After all, I didn’t lay a hand on you. Your own morbid curiosity caused you to touch the tent imbued with a teleportation spell clearly noted on a sign hidden behind a tree. If anything, I’m the opposite of a kidnapper.”

“By what logic?!”

“I’m offering a swift return after a free healing session in a desert paradise. A paradise which is also inhabited by nocturnal sandcrawlers and so it is therefore advised that you leave before nightfall. There are also coconuts. That isn’t kidnapping. It is service.”

My mouth widened in outrage.

“H-How dare you! If you wish to kidnap me, then it must be both brazen and shameless! To feign ignorance is an insult! … Do you have any idea how many people try to steal me away?!”

“... No, why? Are you important?”

“Quite so! I’m the most important person you will ever pretend to kidnap!”

The djinn tilted her head slightly, her smile unfading.

Then–

Poof.

An ornate spyglass appeared in her hand, no different to the ones used by ships’ captains. She placed it to her eye and squinted.

It vanished a moment later to a small puff of smoke.

“Oh. Another princess.”

“Another?! … How many princesses have travelled that muddy forest road?!”

“I’m afraid that’s not for me to say. Suffice to say, every other princess I’ve met has wished for a safe exit. And all with far less fuss. Now, would you like to make your wish so I can meet my daily quota?”

“I most certainly do not! … Why, this is absurd! Do djinn not normally tire of granting wishes?!”

“We tire of granting ludicrous wishes. But it doesn’t mean we don’t do it. On the contrary, a djinn’s social worth is entirely tied to how successful they are at making wishes come true. And that means someone who proactively steers the wishes of their customers as opposed to merely inviting whatever unfeasible dream the average human possesses is far more successful.”

I was appalled.

“This … This is outrageous! How dare you abduct me for mere social clout! … At least demand a bag of gold if you’re going to be a roadside brigand!”

The djinn wrinkled her nose.

“I’m not a roadside brigand. I’m Amissa the Benevolent, and I provide bodily healing to my customers courtesy of a calming trip through an oasis paradise.”

“And does the bodily healing come just before the nocturnal sandcrawlers decide they are peckish?!”

“Occasionally, yes. But once my customers are satisfied, and they always are, they may simply wish themselves home using a variety of predetermined phrases I offer on a menu. However, if for whatever reason you choose not to take up my offer, I’m certainly willing to consider alternative forms of donations. Including, yes, bags of gold … or perhaps that sword by your waist?”

The djinn made little effort to hide her curiosity as she eyed Starlight Grace’s ruby pommel.

I regained her attention with a snap of my fingers.

“No,” I said simply. “I know not every law you have, but I know there’s certain to be one against forcing wishes from customers. This is a violation of whatever rules nobody has ever read.”

“Dear customer, forcing you to stay would be a violation of the rules. But by allowing you to leave with but a specific word, you lose nothing. Yes, I maintain my #1 standing amongst my social circle and a title unique to me. But it’s hardly at your expense. This oasis is a lovely experience. I am not evil.”

I leaned towards the djinn. She leaned away.

“Oh? Then what happens should I wish to return and also for you to compensate me for this needless use of my time?”

The beautiful smile didn’t fade. On the contrary, it only widened.

“Compensation would be open to interpretation,” said the djinn simply. “A warning I give to everybody. But if you feel dissatisfied with my service, then you may take a cushion as a courtesy.”

“I think not. This insult of an extortion is quite enough without your poor quality fabric lining to worsen it. I refuse to offer my begging pleas. You, on the other hand, are free to make yours.”

“Excuse me?”

“You shall return me to exactly where I was before. And you will do so by revealing the exit which doubtless exists. A djinn’s magic is not foolproof. You did not bring me here with a snap of your fingers. You will not return me in such a way, either.”

The djinn tilted her head slightly. She toyed with the ends of her dark hair.

“Oh? That’s quite the assumption. But what if such a convenient exit doesn’t exist?” 

I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering the smile even more fabricated than hers. 

Then, I leaned slightly forwards.

“Ohohoho … why, I suppose I’ll simply have to turn your Oasis of Dreams into an Oasis of Nightmares–until you are forced to wish upon a princess for it to end.”