Chapter 365: Secret Technique

A cave in a forest.Small. Damp. Barren.

Likely once occupied by a bear as well. 

Where it was now, nobody knew. Only that the reason it left was probably because of its new lodger.

“Hmm.”

I stared down at the figure lying before me.

There she was. A fragile maiden with unblemished skin, silver hair and pink cotton pyjamas. 

Exactly as I’d last seen her. Or at least her back profile. 

Resting upon her tummy, with her arms splayed and face down in the dusty ground, her awkward pose painted the perfect image of someone who’d tripped over their own feet and then never bothered to rise again. 

Thus … I nodded in acknowledgement.

Indeed, as I looked upon her lifeless form, it was all I could do but recognise her contribution to the world of drama. 

Were she gracing the stage of the Royal Arc Theatre, I had no doubt that the obligatory apples I threw to test every actor playing dead would go unacknowledged. The way she was simply lying motionless, disregarding even the soil caking her face was highly professional.

I had no use for such a talent, of course. But I was delighted to know that if she desired a change of occupation, then other avenues existed for her to pursue.

Moreover … as far as I was aware, vampires didn’t leave corpses behind when they died. 

Instead, all that remained when they were laid to rest a second time were ashes and broken coffins.

… But just in case, I also turned to Coppelia!

“What do you think … ?” I asked simply.

My loyal handmaiden kneeled down, her eyes blinking as she closely studied the fallen vampire.

Then, having learned from my own expert healing techniques, she poked the girl in the cheek.

No reaction.

“Okay,” said Coppelia, nodding as she diligently continued to poke her. “Good news! She’s not dead. I think.”

“Oh. That’s a relief. Do you feel a reaction to your poking?”

“Nope. I just think it’s fun.”

I nodded. That was understandable.

“Is she asleep, then? … Because if so, we’ll need to bring her outside where I can conjure the bed. A pile of dirt is hardly appropriate for a maiden to get her beauty sleep, despite how much the baronesses swear by it.”

“I don’t think she’s sleeping, either. Otherwise she definitely would have started groaning to my pokes by now. Usually you do it after the 3rd one.”

“E-Excuse me!? Why are you poking me when I’m asleep?!”

“I mean, when you sleep, you sometimes stuff your face in the pillow just like how vampire girl looks now. Once you haven’t moved for several hours, I sometimes poke you to see if you’re still alive.”

“Oh, I see.” I thought for a moment. “In that case, thank you. Also, you may poke me earlier.”

“Will do~!”

I nodded at Coppelia’s diligence, then kneeled down to join her in poking my librarian’s cheek. 

To my regret, but not surprise, my healing touch wasn’t working on her. It was only natural. My angelic nature had little effect on a vampire other than to leave a faint dimple.

“Hmm. How peculiar. If she’s neither dead nor sleeping, then what is she doing? Is she injured?”

Coppelia picked the girl up by the scuff of the neck as though she were a lazing tabby cat. 

She peered underneath her.

“Well, I don’t see any injuries. Although it could be something inside her.” 

“How curious … do vampires suffer illnesses?” 

“No, that’s one of the perks of being a vampire. They pretty much repel every disease back towards where it came from. With blood sucking interest. Except maybe not this one. Her vampiric presence is so weak that even when I’m poking her, I can barely feel it.”

My hands clapped together in understanding.

“I see! My, how very adept of her! Her self defence mechanism is to evade all unwanted attention from nobility after her rare title by appearing even more pitiable than when we last saw her. That is … well, that is somewhat remarkable. I admit, I didn’t think such a thing was possible.”

Behind us, a village girl with a sword looked over from the opening of the cave. 

She was joined by a cow she was petting, who having been removed from the blood stained grass now appeared slightly less hungry than before. 

I wasn’t certain which of the two I found more concerning.

“Um … by any chance, would you happen to already know each other?” she asked.

“Indeed, we do,” I answered. “Although this kingdom is large, the world is small.”

The farm girl paused.

“I’m not sure if that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t need to make sense. It only needs to be fair. But as glad as I am for our ample farmlands, it does mean they’re all too often allowed to go unattended. Therefore, I ask that you return home to assume your life as a common farmer and absolutely nobody else. You may also take the cow.”

“Huh? You want me and Daisy to leg it?”

I couldn’t nod fast enough.

Frankly, I hadn’t a clue what this girl was going to get up to. All I knew was that the further she was away from accidentally slaying a vampire, the less likely she was to wield that sword for anything other than appropriate things. 

Such as gardening.

“Your assistance has been much appreciated. Especially with taming the cow. However, I cannot have village girls wandering behind me while carrying suspect swords found in the mud. That’s a highly dangerous combination.”

The girl blinked.

She looked between the shiny sword attached to her hand and the cow beside her. Two starkly different career paths. Only one of which was beneficial to my family.

“It sounds like I’ll be in the way,” she said, giving her sword a random jiggle. “Which I 100% agree with. But I think I’d feel bad about running away again. Are you sure you don’t want me to, uh, lure out the vampire or something? … Because I think I can do that. As bait or something.”

I was aghast.

That was an incredibly … heroine thing to say! I had to avoid it at all costs!

“O-Ohohoho … that’s … that’s not necessary in the slightest! Like my loyal handmaiden said, I’m …”

“–An S-rank adventurer!”

“No, I’m a beautiful maiden blessed with a genius mind, a radiant aura and an unblemished smile. And I only require one of these to do away with a vampire who cannot put their immortality to practical use. Such as being a sleepless employee.”

The commoner blinked at me, a dozen questions regarding my natural talents obviously flickering across her mind. 

Even so, her lips remained tactfully closed. 

I was impressed. She might be a farmer, but she already possessed more wit than any of my nobility ever displayed. Were she not so perilous to my kingdom, I’d promote her on the spot.

“... Will she be okay?” she asked instead, pointing towards my collapsed librarian.

“Of course. This maiden might be a vampire, but that doesn’t mean I’ve no means to rouse her.”

“Really? Will you use magic?”

“Ohohoho … no.” I offered a confident smile, hand upon my chest. “I shall use a secret technique carefully honed over the years. With it, I’m able to cure even the harshest of debilities. However, know that I absolutely cannot permit you to see such a forbidden thing.”

An appropriate look of astonishment came across the girl’s face.

A moment later, she allowed her shoulders to fall with relief, knowing that I was now here to rescue her from a life of revolution. Perhaps if she was luckier, she’d even return to her farm to find a newly made road where her barn used to be.

“... All right, Daisy! You heard the nice lady. Let’s try to find your home, okay?”

The cow looked up with a swish of its tail. It offered no complaint while being ushered away from the cave. 

Then, just before the commoner scooted out of sight of the entrance, she turned to offer a smile which still bore a few hints of mud.

“Thanks, Miss Adventurer,” she said brightly. “I’ll definitely remember this!”

And with that, she was gone.

For now.

I waited until the sounds of her voice chatting with the cow faded. And then I waited a bit more. Once nothing could be heard but the mild breeze whispering into the cave, I nodded with satisfaction.

Indeed, today was already a good day!

I’d practically averted calamity!

There was still the matter of my drunken peasants, of course. Sooner or later, the alcohol numbing their ire would be spent. But so long as they were shorn of their natural leader, then all was well.

But only if I didn’t falter now.

Thus–I returned my attention to my newest librarian. 

Lifeless, motionless and sprawled upon the floor, it was clear that this was no common ailment she suffered from. And while she was hardly the most terrifying vampire to have walked the shadows, the fact still remained that few things could easily wear her down more than the epilogue of A Summer Knight’s Dream, Book 3. 

… Fortunately, this was nothing I couldn’t fix!

“Coppelia.”

“Mmh~?”

“I require a macaron.”

I nodded in seriousness … then held out my palm. 

Coppelia blinked.

Then, she swiftly rummaged through her pouch of knick-knacks and emergency snacks, before finding me a sugary, stale and somewhat off-colour macaron. 

This would do.

I leaned in and slid my palm beneath the face of the fallen maiden. A small bump of resistance greeted me as I pressed the macaron against the girl’s lips.

And then–

“Nngh … om .. nom …”

She began to stir while nibbling on the snack.

Ohohohohohohohoho!

I smiled in triumph.

Indeed, why did it matter if a vampire was in a state which could baffle the most learned of clerics?

I was an expert in the field of healing those in a state far worse than this!

Namely … my older sister!

Yes! I’d brought back Clarise from the brink more times than I could count! When she failed to show up to dinner for the 3rd consecutive night in a row, it was all too often I inquired at her observatory only to find a mere shell whose existence was clinging onto the last tether!

“Uwaaah~ I can’t believe that worked.”

“Ohohohohoho! Behold! The light which only a dose of sugar can provide! … When all else fails, remember this–snacks are more than an indulgence! To fragile maidens, they are the lifeblood which runs deeper than our hearts! They feed the very soul!”

Coppelia nodded enthusiastically. 

I was delighted. Should worse come to worst, she could bring me back from any witch’s curse through a well-placed cupcake! 

Perhaps not the ones she kept in her pouch, true … but once we were done with this affair, every bakery and crêpe stall would be open for business once again!  

And so–we watched as Miriam Estroux, countess, librarian and vampire, with all the noble station afforded to her … slowly rolled onto her back like a small animal righting herself.

Her eyes opened to an air more suitable for a tired ghost than a macabre creature of the night used to rising from a coffin to terrorise the innocents. 

In fact, she didn’t rise at all. 

She simply remained on her back, blinking up at the ceiling.

Coppelia helpfully waved her hand.

“Oh,” said Miriam, finally noticing us right beside her. She blinked several more times. “... How many years has it been?”

“572 years,” replied Coppelia. “Everyone you know is gone.”

“Really? … That’s odd. You both have very strong and familiar features.”

“My frown has descended through centuries,” I informed her. “It will never falter or tarnish, no matter how many more will pass.”

Miriam nodded.

“... Has it actually been 572 years?”

“No,” I admitted. 

“Oh. That explains why my arms don’t want to move. I normally feel less tired after my naps.”

“And what could have driven you to such a desperate nap? … Why, there’s not even a pillow! If you’d napped any longer, you’d have woken up shaped like a wight!”

Miriam looked up in thought.

“Everything exploded.”

“Excuse me?”

“I drew holy runes into the ground. It was very volatile. Likely because the heavens look poorly on vampires appropriating their sacred symbols. I don’t think it was my best idea.”

I was stunned.

“You drew holy runes? … And it caused the heavens to create an explosion? That is wonderful! Can you do it again? They’ve long since become accustomed to seeing their chapels burgled.”

“I suppose I could. But not if I can help it. Honestly, it’s not a very pleasant experience.”

“Oh, I see. Then why would you do it?”

“To defeat Master Harkus.”

“... Who?”

“Master Harkus. He is a vampire. Specifically, the one who turned me into a vampire.”

I blinked as a name was finally revealed … and also instantly forgotten.

“Truly? Why, I had no idea you were acquainted with this ruffian! Did you know he was here?”

“No. I only found out accidentally. Or so I thought. He has returned to this kingdom. I’m told it’s because he views my actions as a book hermit to not be in keeping with his traditional values as a scion of the night and ruler of the shadows. He believes it reflects poorly upon him.”

I let out a shocked gasp.

“That’s a scandalous belief to hold! There’s nothing more regal than studying the learned writings of our peers from underneath a duvet where nobody can see what books we’re actually reading!”

“Yes, I quite agree.”

Miriam paused. A look of regret crept across her face.

“... I’m sorry,” she said, turning slightly away as much as she could. “This isn’t quite what I’d planned. I had no intention of troubling you. Were I aware that Master Harkus would seek me out, I would not have lingered, nor allowed myself to take up your generosity.”

“Oh? … And what generosity do you refer to?”

“You allowed me a home where everybody is apologetic whenever they eat using a silver spoon in my presence. To become a librarian.”

I nodded.

“Yes, Countess Miriam Estroux. A librarian. And it is the job of a librarian to both read and catalogue books. Not to spare a thought for those so crass they’d seek to disturb you from this important role. Rest assured, I shall not permit this spawn as lacking in ability as manners to chastise you, much less actively impede you. I will do away with him in a manner which befits his status as a pest.”

Miriam blinked.

“You wish to destroy Master Harkus?”

“No, I wish to roll my face in a pillow until the dent can be seen on the other side. But failing that, I’ll accept offering the ashes of a gnat I can direct the complaint of my every farmer towards. This spawn has been busy inciting rebellion.”

“I see. That does sound very much like the sort of thing he would do. And so there’s something I believe I should clarify before we continue this conversation. Master Harkus is not a spawn. He is a master vampire, cited to rise to the Nocturne Court. He is very powerful, very old and functionally immune to all normal attacks.”

Miriam tried craning her face away more.

This time, not out of regret, but with a tinge of embarrassment.

“... Um, not like me. Please do not use me as a reference.”

I leaned slightly over her, my raised eyebrow bringing her gaze back.

“And as I said–a spawn.”

“Master Harkus is–”

“An ascended flea. One who was bested by holy magic from an emaciated vampire, as your continued existence proves.”

“Rather than bested, I believe it would be more appropriate to say that he was so insulted by my attack that he was rendered unable to move. I don’t think it will happen again. Which is a problem. You really do need holy magic to defeat a vampire. I’m uncertain if your enchanted steel sword is enough. You will need a consecrated silver sword … or, well, sunlight, but in practice, that never kills vampires.”

“Oh? … And why is that?”

Miriam shifted slightly, as though just the thought of it was enough to cause her to retreat.

“It’s our most fatal weakness,” she said simply. “As a result, no vampire ever allows themselves to be caught in a position where the sun is still overhead. Even Master Harkus would wait until nightfall before revealing himself.”

I nodded.

And then I stood up, before turning on my heel to head to my next destination. A deportation meeting with an unwanted leech.

“… Is that so? In that case, I fail to see what the issue is.”

“Excuse me?”

I noted the darkening light outside the cave. Dusk was here, and night was soon to follow. 

But that hardly mattered.

After all– 

My smile was brighter than the sun.