Chapter 462: Royal Dispute

Few memories existed without my multipurpose gardening tool by my side.As a companion longer than any loyal handmaiden or gluttonous horse, it was my most cherished gift from Grandmother, even if the way I received it wasn’t particularly memorable.

Usually, to receive an heirloom sword was a beautiful affair. 

It marked a prince or princess’s coming of age and symbolised their debut into high society. That moment was as ceremonious as any coronation, accompanied by a gala which drew royal dignitaries from all across the continent.

I was given mine on a whim while playing hopscotch in the courtyard. 

Regardless, from that day on it became my duty to carry it, and so many of my earliest memories were of lugging Starlight Grace around while the maids learned how to pour tea from a distance.

Seeing it in the grip of an amateur, I now realised why.

“Quite the splendid weapon,” mused my double, turning it over in her hands. “I’ve had little cause to admire many swords, but even I can note its expert craftsmanship. It’s practical as well, given the number of adversaries you must attract.”

Indeed, it was truly terrible.

Of all the kingdom’s treasures, none were rarer or more prized than the blades carried by the heirs of the royal family. Each represented not just the virtue of its wielder, but also the very history of our kingdom. 

To see Starlight Grace in the hands of an imposter, all I could do was react with equal parts horror and indignation. 

After all–

“Incorrect.”

“Excuse me?”

“The way you’re holding it is incorrect.”

I knew it instinctively. 

False princess or not, if she wanted to hold my sword, then she deserved to be scrutinised like the real thing. And the result was calamitous.

“That sword is meant to complete the facade, and yet all it does is make you stick out like an unkempt hedge. What good is mirroring my face if the rest of you is hopelessly ungainly? It’s clear from the pose that you’ve never held a sword before in your life. Unlike me, it looks clumsy and amateurish.” 

Submerged in her bubble castle beside me, Coppelia made a strange gurgling noise. 

Indeed, she was so unimpressed she couldn’t even speak! 

“This is you,” said my imposter flatly. “You are complaining about yourself. As a doppelganger, I can intrinsically sense how things are to be emulated with over 90% accuracy.”

“Well, you’ve succeeded in bringing the percentage down. This looks terrible. What will you do next? Flop across the floor like a fish? Use a fork to eat a soufflé?”

“There are no issues with how I eat a soufflé, just as there are none with how I hold this sword. You may complain about what I have planned, but not how I present myself.”

“And how will you present yourself? As a princess covered in bandages from accidentally cutting yourself? A sword is not a toy. It’s a deadly weapon, a garden spade and a reading light. You must treat it with respect.”

A raised eyebrow was all I received.

“... Respect is not a word I want to hear from you. But perhaps it’s something I can teach. What I wish is to improve the lives of all who reside in this kingdom. I offer a chance for you to do the same.”

The doppelganger took a deep breath, then forced herself to assume a smile once again.

Each attempt looked more unnatural than the last.

“You are spoiled and ridiculous, yes, but I won’t fault you entirely for your upbringing. Instead, I’ll allow you to make amends. In exchange for your willing cooperation in letting me literally do all your work for you, I’ll provide you with what every princess desires most.”

Ugh.

If I could roll my eyes any further, they’d hit Coppelia. 

“Please, there are also not enough pillows in existence for that. I’ve checked.”

“I offer you more than pillows. I offer freedom.”

She pointed at the window. An exit looking increasingly preferable to damaging my ears.  

“Unlike you, I’m not without a sense of kindness. And so I offer something you barely deserve. I shall assume your royal duties, much like the arrangement between our parents. Except whereas their complete abandonment came with shockingly little notice, yours will be agreed here and now. You may resume your royal tour once more.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your royal tour. You may go back to enjoying the fresh air while washing yourself of all responsibility.”

My mouth fell open.

“You … You’re suggesting I return outside … ?”

“Yes. It’s not the most convenient arrangement for me, but I’m no villain. You may dance, wander the meadows or do whatever mysterious things you did. You shall also lack for nothing while doing so. Consider it a sponsored picnic until I’m finished.”

Her smile brimmed with false generosity.

It swiftly faded as she took in my horrified expression.

“Why do you look so–”

“Y-You foul monster … !”

The doppelganger took a step back, shocked at my response.

She had no right to be, of course.

Never before had I witnessed such boundless capacity for cruelty.

“You would heartlessly suggest I leave the Royal Villa? Again? Away from these brave walls which keep the mud and the farmers outside?”

“I don’t see what the problem is. These are the same walls you also escaped from. You can claim to have been on a royal tour, but the truth is that you ran away in the middle of the night. You were gone for far longer than anyone on a horse could reasonably spend if they only wished to visit every town. You clearly must have enjoyed it.”

I almost fainted from the accusation.

These doppelgangers were part of a guild? What was the entry criteria? Failing the exams for all the better ones? Why would any of them think I ever wanted to leave my bathtub again?

“I am done with my royal tour,” I declared, basking in the slight echo. “Now I need to see to my other duties as a princess. That’s an itinerary which has been booked and cannot be changed.”

“You don’t have an itinerary.”

“I do. It’s to sit here until I can no longer recall the colour staining the walls of every inn. But since you’re in the way of this, allow me to make an undeserved offer in turn. I’ll permit you to live out your princess fantasies for a week or two while I’m in the bath. Maybe a month.”

“Thank you. But I’m going to need more than a month to do all I need.”

“A month is more than sufficient. That’s at least one mandatory tea party. Once you’ve experienced that, you’ll start demanding to take my place in the bathtub.”

The doppelganger slowly narrowed her eyes.

“I see you refuse to take this seriously.”

“It’s impossible for me to be more serious. You talk about wanting to aid the people. But the moment you witness a baroness sneering because you took the last shortcake instead of leaving it to wither, you’ll immediately wipe them from the list of what constitutes people. After that are the merchants who try to claim damages even though the road towards the Royal Villa is the only one without any bumps. Then it’ll be the farmers who conjure mud directly beneath your shoes even though you specifically detoured just to avoid them. The next thing you know, you’re an evil princess in a tower and I’ll be the one who has to fix everything. So no, I will not accept your offer.”

A moment of silence passed.

“I am not going to become an evil princess,” she said, her back straightening.

“Coppelia?”

“She already has the makings of a great one! I’m so excited to see what her first draconian law will be.” 

“I am not going to make any draconian laws.”

“Indeed, there’s little chance of you making it that far. What you’re going to do is mimic me until you make a highly predictable faux pas, upon which your vague plans will fall into ruin and everybody takes turns poking your cheeks.”

I waited for the doppelganger to recoil in horror at the inevitable future.

Instead, she pointed Starlight Grace at me. It dimmed accordingly. 

“... No. I’m going to be the princess you lack the right to be. You are without a single care even while defenceless in a bathtub. Yet if the thought of pampered exile isn’t enough to move you, then I’ll have to offer you an alternative arrangement. One that will be less mutually beneficial.”

I gave it a moment’s consideration.

“4.5/10. Passable, yet forgettable. If you want to take over the kingdom, you’ll need to leave a stronger impression than that. To begin with, I suggest doing away with that last line. It was redundant. Sometimes, the less you say, the better.”

The doppelganger bit her lips.

Then, doing away with words entirely, she began to twirl my sword.

I was delighted. 

Why, she could learn, after all!

Indeed, as she swished away in a tiny circle, it was clear she was trying to draw upon a puff of wind.

A ridiculous notion, of course.

To use Starlight Grace as anything other than an envelope opener was beyond her. My delicate gardening techniques were hardly something anyone could simply mimic. They were the result of an innumerable number of leaves, twigs and caterpillars as my foe. 

In fact, it was like watching a child testing a toy for the first time. The blade practically lurched with each turn, the movements clumsy and uneven as she fumbled for balance.

… At least for a few seconds.

Gradually, her movements steadied, each rotation becoming slightly smoother than the last, until eventually a hint of steam began wafting around the tip.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

“... Coppelia?”

“Mmh?~”

“Out of curiosity, can doppelgangers mimic techniques they’ve never seen before?”

“Sure! It depends a little on the doppelganger, but mostly on the technique. It needs to be something the person being copied has done loooooads. Something about memories in the muscles.”

I let out a groan.

A poor imitation of anything I did was clearly an issue. Far from doing away with caterpillars, it was only likely to embolden them. 

“Very well.” I nodded to Coppelia. “Then it seems we can no longer humour her. I understand this is a difficult request given she has my face. But if you could please ensure she doesn’t do anything–”

“Heheheheheheh~”

Clap.

A flash of darkness instantly swallowed the light.

The gentle ripple of bathwater was replaced by waves as a black scythe wreathed in shadows and bubbles rose from the lavender scented depths. 

Coppelia stood up, scythe in her hands and a bright smile on her face as she regarded the mirror imitation of me with absolutely no hesitation.

I was stunned.

How marvellous! She could tell us apart so clearly that she had no qualms about attacking!

… Though if she hesitated just a little, that would also be acceptable!

“No problem,” she said, twirling her scythe like a water wheel. “You can leave this to me. I’ll just–”

Poooomph.

A sound like a cannon erupted within the echoing walls. 

All of a sudden, nothing could be seen of Coppelia, her smile or her scythe.

All that remained instead was the light shining through the gap where a window and a potted orchid once was. And also the large blinking eyes of a shocked doppelganger as she peered down at the outstretched sword in her hand.

“Oh,” she said. 

I was horrified.

“H-How dare you! You just punted Coppelia through my bathroom! She … She isn’t wearing anything?!”

The imposter wasn’t listening.

Rather than being scandalised at the thought of Coppelia with only a coat of bubbles to defend her dignity, she stared down at her arms, her legs and her entire body as though never having experienced limbs before. 

“... My apologies, Your Highness,” she said, her tone measured. “As a doppelganger, I assumed I knew all about you. Yet I see you’ve been holding back secrets. How impressive. And useful.”

I stood up and scowled.

A far more threatening thing than anything she could do with my sword.

Pwam.

… At least until I was forced to sit back down as the door to my bedroom flew open.

All at once, a group of maids appeared, their eyes wary and concerned in the way only entering a princess’s bedroom without being summoned could do.

Even so, nothing had prepared them for what awaited them.

Gasps sounded as they peered in horror between the sight of a doppelganger, a princess and a greatly expanded bathroom window.

“Oh, thank goodness!” said the imposter, sword dropping by her side as her expression turned to panic. “You must help me! A foul doppelganger has sought to replace me!”

I was incensed.

“Excuse me?!?!”

“Hurry! She is in the bathtub! If we seize her now, she will not be able to escape!”

“Escape?! The only escape I need is from your lack of shame! I will not stand for this! My loyal retainers! Tackle the beautiful imposter at once!”

“I implore you, help me capture her! She is a dangerous creature who wishes nothing but harm upon you all! Her plans involve causing misery and despair to all who work here! We must not permit that to happen! Do not fall for her lies!”

“My lies?! You’re still wearing a maid’s uniform!”

“Indeed I am! She cruelly forced me to dress for her amusement while she bathes … yet little does she know, by placing myself in your shoes, I now understand your plight and hope to improve your working conditions! Meanwhile, this foul being would seek only to burden you further!”

I raised a hand to my lips at once.

“Ohohohoho … you fool! You’ve given yourself away! The maids I’ve yet to fire know every facet of my personality! They would never fall for such a pitiful ruse!”

Smiling in triumph, I clenched my fists and nodded to the stunned group.

“Now come! We will apprehend this imposter together!”

My loyal maids looked at each other, their mouths wide open.

And then–