Chapter 413: A Genuine Princess

The journey to knighthood was as arduous as it was famed.Equestrianism. Swordsmanship. Diplomacy. 

To be a knight was to be both an ambassador and a warrior. A shining beacon of chivalry, capable of representing the kingdom in the midst of a soirée as much as a field of battle. 

Whether it was mud born of trampled dirt or scandalous accusations which flew past their faces, they stood tall and proud, silently remembering every key detail to relay to my family later.

Assuming, of course, that they even made it that far.

As questing squires, theirs was a life of heavy sacrifice and little reward. Their homes were the hedgerows and brambles surrounding the furthest villages, ensuring that if any cry of distress was sounded, they would be there to answer–and perhaps earn a free meal in the process. 

Armed with little more than their courage and their wits, they worked tirelessly before the eyes of their peers. And if they were successful, then their true training could begin. 

Pestering busy maidens. Taking up every outdoor dining area. Fleeing from angry fathers. Purchasing hair wax in bulk and somehow still needing more. 

The road to the promised land was one steeped in hardship and pulled hamstrings. But within the fraternity which governed all knights, the honoured traditions of occasionally being a public menace were dutifully passed down to those willing to earn the palm shaped bruises upon their cheeks.

… Or they could simply pay 10 silver crowns instead.

“In the name of Lady Sophista, I charge you to be just. In the name of Lord Tayv, I charge you to be gallant. In the name of Lady Lumielle, I charge you to be merciful. By the grace of the heavens and the realm eternal, I name you Sir …”

“Puck. But most people call me Hobbs. Bad leg, you see.”

“Sir Puck, alternatively known as Hobbs. Arise now–as a Knight of the Shining Stars.”

I watched as a farmer half-rose from his knee.

He hadn’t needed to bend all the way. 

The one ordaining him was kind enough to stand upon a wooden crate … and in the process allow the crowd a clear view of the spectacle which was her lifting her sword away from a proud pair of shoulders and back to her side.

The man gave a toothy grin as he turned, before being met by a wave of cheers.

And why not?

It was the dream of every commoner to be knighted by a princess.

Golden locks of wavy hair beneath a shining tiara. Soft eyes as green as an unripe turnip. A dress so needlessly extravagant that the hems repulsed dirt and debris because they feared getting lost within it.

She smiled as she stood upon her wooden crate. A young maiden with a demeanour both gentle and refined enough to earn the adoration of the hollering crowd. 

The very picture of a princess. Which was strange.

To be wilful was our duty. But while visiting my kingdom was doubtless on the minds of every foreign princess, it was quite unusual to choose a road surrounded by wheat over the promenade of Reitzlake or the courtyard of the Royal Villa.

Apparently, she’d lost her way. 

Thus, I tugged on Apple’s reins. 

The disorderly queue instantly became more chaotic as it parted. A barrage of huffs came my way–all of it ignored as I offered a polite smile to the lost princess standing upon her wooden crate.

“Salutations,” I said warmly. “My apologies, but I cannot help but notice the sign. Would you happen to be the princess mentioned?”

The maiden clasped her hands together as though in prayer. Her golden locks swayed to a breeze ushered by a farmer to the side clearly bribed to wave a large fan.

Whatever she was praying for, she needed to pray harder.

“Indeed, I am,” came the reply laced with apology. “I am Princess Sophina Clarimonte de Lavennes-Miracielle. It is a delight to meet with you. I’m afraid, however, that I cannot see to any queries you might have at present. These gentlemen have been waiting for some time. Might I ask that you join the queue? You needn’t fear. I shall endeavour to make time for every petitioner.”

Apple snorted.

I directed his muzzle towards her. She leaned slightly away.

“Hm? But there’s no queue.”

“The queue is currently behind you. It begins where the wooden sign is.”

I duly sent a glance past my shoulder.

Then, I offered the same polite smile to the loitering farmers as I did the maiden.

A moment later–

“There is no queue,” I repeated brightly, as the sound of scampering footsteps filled the air.

The maiden was unfazed.

Far from it, her smile bloomed as she offered an impression of a curtsey.

“So I see. Before we begin, was there any royal patronage on the menu you wished to offer a donation towards? It is 5 copper crowns for a handshake, 10 copper crowns for a customised greeting card and 2 silver crowns for a pleasant conversation.” 

“How much is it for an unpleasant conversation?”

“I’m afraid that will cost rather more.”

“Then I accept. Your fee can be subtracted from the final tally you’ll be needing to pay for my own rates. Something you’ll struggle to manage. My time is exorbitant, you see. As would yours be if you were anything close to a genuine princess.”

A soft laugh filled the air, as empty as those around my tea table.

“Oh, I receive that quite frequently,” she said with a casual wave. “It is a strange sight, no? For a princess to wander the country roads so far from any conveniences is normally enough to disqualify me of my title. It is no wonder that you would doubt my claim.”

I paused.

“W-Well, to merely enjoy an excursion doesn’t strictly disqualify a princess …. in … in fact, idly appreciating nature can be seen as a highly regal trait!” 

“Exactly! Which is why–”

“Indeed, which is why this is unacceptable. Every action a princess takes must be deliberate in laziness or self-indulgence. This is neither. You are soliciting peasants like a penniless bard. A thing as grievous as the knighthoods you claim to offer. This is appalling. To take advantage of their wish to escape their daily toil is something only a rightful princess can do. By anyone else, it is a scam.”

“This is no scam,” said the maiden brightly, repeating the words she’d clearly professed to every guard who shooed her away. “I truly am a genuine princess. Just like my sign says. And those I knight form part of my retinue in return for a modest donation. I would offer this service to you as well, but I’m afraid that traditions are not easily waived where I am from.”

“Oh? And which kingdom might be from to hold so much respect for traditions?” 

“The Kingdom of Clarabrandt.”  

I gasped.

“My, I … I had no idea!”

“That is quite fine.” The maiden smiled good-naturedly. “In truth, I do not regularly advertise where I hail from. As I’m blessed with a long name, it makes my introduction somewhat ungainly.” 

“No, truly. I had no idea. I have never once heard of the Kingdom of Clarinets–”

“Clarabrandt.”

“Exactly. This is an honour. To come from a realm so far away that seafarers have yet to discover it is a rare and cherished occurrence. Coppelia, please offer this princess a goblin moss cake as a token of our respect.”  

“Okie~”

Coppelia did as requested. She merrily rummaged through the bottom of her pouch, before plucking out a goblin moss cake so aged it should come with its own vintage certificate.

The maiden wrinkled her nose even as she maintained her smile. 

It was the most princessy thing she’d done so far.

“Thank you, but I must decline. It is enough for me to receive as many donations as I do. The generosity of this kingdom’s people touches the heart. With that said, if you’re not here to petition me for a service, might I ask that you make room for those who will?”

“You may. The answer is no. Certainly not at the prices you’re charging.”

“I believe my prices are very reasonable.”

“They’re not. They’re an insult to what they truly cost. Because to be offered a knighthood by a princess is priceless. Your actions risk undermining this. Really now–10 silver crowns? Can you not extort some nobleman’s son for more?”

“I believe wholeheartedly that all deserve a chance at knighthood.”

“It is not a meal at an acclaimed restaurant. It is a title earned through countless deeds and chivalry. Or at least a bribe large enough that a princess might close her eyes, accidentally swing her sword and just happen to gently tap somebody’s shoulders.”

“It is a self fulfilling prophecy. By believing themselves to be knights, they become the very paragons of chivalry which were needed in the first place.”

“No, they become lazy and start seeking squires to do their work for them. I cannot have that. Farmers have a job. A concept you apparently fail to understand.” 

“As I said–I am a princess. That is my job.”

I nodded.

“194,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“195. That’s the amount of infractions I’ve seen you make since falsely representing yourself as a princess.”

“Goodness. That seems like a rather large number.”

“It isn’t. A large number is what it will become once we reach the end of this conversation. Yet while it will never reduce, it will at least slow down providing that you make amends for distracting farmers at the beginning of the harvest season. Normally, this comes with an offer of deportation as well. But since your kingdom doesn’t exist on any map, alternative arrangements will need to be made.”

As was appropriate when faced with the prospect of a free visit to experience Soap Island’s burgeoning tourism industry, the maiden wasn’t the least bit concerned. 

She toyed with a strand of her golden hair, curling it around her fingertip.

“Then might I suggest seeking newer maps? The Kingdom of Clarabrandt can be found nestled in the verdant hinterlands between the Kingdom of Berce and the Kingdom of Rivella.”

I blinked in surprise.

Her own kingdom I might never have heard of, but those two she just cited I did.

They were mainstays of the Summer Kingdoms. A commonwealth of wealthy merchant nations brought together under a single banner to ward against the advances of the Grand Duchess’s webs. And that included a few less prosperous ones as well.

It was more than pillows which were famed there. It was the multitudes of fiefdoms each claiming themselves to be the newest kingdom. Because why assume the title of nobility when it was fashionable to just be kings and queens instead?

This could only mean one thing. 

“Ohohohohohohoho!!” I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile. “You … You are the princess of a petty kingdom!”

The maiden’s smile twitched at once.

Understandable. To be the princess of a petty kingdom was to be the proprietor of an empty cart. They were merchants in name only. Just as the ruling family were royalty only in the shallowest of terms.

Ohohohohoho!

Why, here I was, thinking she was a simple fraud! Yet to cling onto the loosest definition of being a princess meant this was even more amusing than I expected!

“Goodness, I see that with summer all the pretenders exit hibernation. Is the reason you’re here because you were ousted the moment your family claimed a dining chair for a throne? I hear that the dawn rises early in the Summer Kingdom. Does that count for coups by your closest advisors as well?”

The maiden forced her smile to remain intact.

“The Summer Kingdoms is a place of much beauty. But also much expectation. To ensure the prosperity of my kingdom, I seek to spread its name while offering my time and wisdom to those who might need it most. In doing so, I better my own knowledge of the world and myself.”

“A worthy goal. An unworthy method. There is no wisdom to be had in knighting subjects who are not your own. Especially at only 10 silver crowns. That’s the most inappropriate thing of all. A true princess would wring them dry of even the coin pouches hidden beneath the floorboards.”

Indeed, it was utterly dire.

Not only was this blatant opportunism, but it wasn’t even very good.  

A fact realised at last as the maiden narrowed her eyes.

A moment later–

“Ah. I see now. You’re a princess.”

The thin veneer of gentleness fell to the wayside as the truth finally struck.

What replaced it was the dark look of a shopkeeper wishing to close when Apple was eating all the plants from the windowsill.

“Ohohoho … I see the act has finally dropped upon seeing a social superior. It has taken you as much time as I expected. Indeed, you stand before a genuine princess. I hope you know what this means.”

“I do, yes.”

In a single movement, she tore away the bottom half of her seemingly detachable dress, deciding everything below the knees was unfashionable. She followed this up by rolling her sleeves, then swiftly tying her golden hair into a ponytail.

Significantly more rugged, she crossed her arms and dented her brows.

“Back off,” she said. “This is my spot.”

I blinked in utter bewilderment.

Far from being chastened by my reveal, she simply adopted an even less regal appearance. A bizarre sight I didn’t expect from even the most unruly of countryside daughters to attend my mandatory tea parties. How was I supposed to respond? By rolling up my own sleeves? Perhaps asking Apple to snort?

“E-Excuse me … ?”

“I figured you were the local nobleman’s daughter here to ask questions. I see you’re more annoying than that. I don’t know which petty kingdom you’re from as well. But this spot is mine. Go take advantage of the peasants somewhere else.”

“Wha … wha … wha … ?!”

Coppelia held me up as I threatened to topple from the strength of the insult. 

To … To accuse me of being a princess shorn of legitimacy like herself … it was mortifying! 

“O-Ohoho … very well … I … I concede that was an excellent jest … but in the very, very slim chance that you’re not due to a debilitating eye condition, please know that you are mistaken …”

“I am not.” The maiden was unrepentant. “I’ve seen enough to know. Your demeanour is the same as all the rest of my rivals I climbed over just to escape that swamp nobody else wants. Well, I’m telling you now–this is my spot. No guards and lots of peasants. I’m not giving it up.”

I jabbed my finger towards her at once. 

“H-How dare you!! … I am Juliette Contzen, 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea!” 

The maiden paused.

She studied me for several moments, then raised her brow.

“... Are you sure?”

“Yes!” I threw up my arms in outrage. “And that means every spot is mine! You are not permitted to distract my farmers, much less defraud them for the crowns they don’t have to offer! What will you do when they don’t have enough funds left to finance the local bars? The hoodlums will have nowhere to go!”

The maiden stared, clearly memorising me as a reference for how all princesses should be. 

She looked around at her surroundings. 

And then … she offered a deep bow.

“I apologise,” she said with a gentle tone. “I was not aware your family was struggling.”

Hmmmmmm … ?!

“I shall leave at once. Although Weinstadt is engulfed in civil war, perhaps it’s more ethical to conduct my trade there. I did not mean to offer my services to the peasants which you also needed. It is clear they have little to offer us both.”

“T-That is slander! … Why, my peasants are the most extortable of every kingdom!”

“Not from what I’ve seen. I normally charge more.”

Nearby, Coppelia took a few steps away. The faux princess should have joined her.

“Ohohoho …. is that so? … Well, then I see no issue in you abandoning what you’ve illicitly earned prior to your forthcoming deportation. Such a small amount should not impact your quality of life.”

“My apologies, but I require the use of every crown that I have.” 

“Then I suggest you use it to hire goons. Because a princess without at least semi-loyal staff has very little recourse when their donation scheme is deemed forfeit by the voice of authority.”   

“True. Which is why I would never travel without a retinue.”

The maiden offered an innocent smile. 

I rolled my eyes and sighed, then looked around me for the sight of a band of merry men springing forth from the surrounding fields.

Nothing came.

All that disturbed me was the breeze as my hair began to flutter … shortly joined by all the tufts of wheat as they swayed like a golden ocean.

A moment later–summer decided to vanish as a shadow enveloped me from above.

I duly looked up.

A dark silhouette blocked out the sun, its enormous wings growing ever larger as it descended.

Relief found me at once.

It wasn’t a falling piano. My kingdom could still be saved.