Chapter 414: An Abridged Guide

A single, powerful screech filled the air.It was a sound as familiar as the scampering footsteps which normally followed. Not because the thing which made it was necessarily dangerous. But because any nearby mothers refused to take any chances that they weren’t. And that meant any children and pets were swiftly hurried away. 

A hopeless endeavour, of course. 

Few things could escape the wings of a giant eagle. And even fewer things could escape them when they came with paws alongside their talons–just in case one set wasn’t enough. 

My mouth widened as the shadow descended.

Wings powerful enough to deny arrows sent the wheat fields billowing as the creature descended behind the smiling maiden. 

Her golden locks were no exception. The strands waved like a flag now tumbling into the distance. And yet as impressive as her shining hair was, it compared little to the glittering plumes of a giant eagle … or the immaculately fluffy mane of a lion.

Phwoosh. Phwoosh. Phwoosh.

Apple’s hooves almost slid backwards as the shadow neared the ground. 

A testament to the overwhelming strength displayed by its sweeping wings. And also my lightness as a rider. But despite the ferocity of the creature, it landed with a grace which barely disturbed the rough surface of the road.

Pride enveloped its form as it paused just long enough to be admired. A famed creature with the muscular body and hind legs of a lion as well as the wings and head of a giant eagle. 

A gryphon.

But not just any. Rare as they were, this one was rarer still. 

It was royalty amongst its own kind. 

It shone as a kaleidoscope of silver, violet and gold. Magic drifted as snowflakes around its majestic form, with even the wheat bowing in acknowledgement.

And then–

KRAAAAAAAAWWWW.    

It let out a cry.

The gryphon’s challenge filled the air. A shriek which struck like a wild blend of thunder and wind, enough to rattle armour and silence forests. 

A warning to any who would oppose it and a taunt to all who would flee.

Against such a sight, I could do nothing but cover my mouth in horror.

“H-How terrible …”

The most dignified of creatures. 

A revered symbol of strength, wisdom and royalty. 

The most popular heraldic symbol as chosen by kings and queens since time immemorial. And a creature several of my ancestors had failed to tame … as evidenced by the tombs which were often found near cliffs just below where a gryphon roost clearly used to be. 

They were pride itself. 

Regal beings which dipped their beaks for none other than those with the strength and heritage to demand their allegiance.

And it was serving her.

A quasi-princess.

I almost fainted.

“Oh?” The satisfied maiden tilted her head slightly. “What seems to be the matter? Were you not requesting that I offer my donations? Because I’m more than delighted to cede to your demands. It is, after all, my oversight that I forgot to ask permission to entertain your farmers. It would be awful if relations between our nations began on a misunderstanding.” 

She idly twirled a strand of her golden hair.

“... With that said, the donations earned are also used to afford Panpan’s diet. And when his preferred lunch of émincé de chevreuil isn’t available, he resorts to finding his own ingredients.” 

The gryphon padded forwards. 

There was no shuddering as its talons met the ground. Yet such was its presence that all the peeking field mice, rabbits and peasants fled like servants at the coming of my grandmother.     

And for good reason.

Like her, the creature was probably always in a bad mood.

“Excuse me? Your gryphon’s name … is Panpan?”

“Yes.”

Ughhhhh.

I let out a tiny groan. And if the gryphon could do anything other than regally shriek, I’m certain it would be doing so as well.

“... Really? What did you name the gryphon after? A pair of stacked frying pans? Can’t you use Deathclaw, Grimtalon, Razorbeak or something equally unimpressive but also unlikely to draw laughter the moment he’s finished eating his foes?”

“I vote Big Murder Bird,” said Coppelia, nodding with a clear mind to own a gryphon for herself. 

“Or Big Murder Bird, yes.”

The maiden looked amused.

“Panpan’s foes are free to laugh. They just need to make sure they’re far enough away that he doesn’t turn around–which usually isn’t enough. Besides, it was the name chosen by himself. He more or less scribbled it using the blood of his first poacher. I’m not going to deny his wishes. What Panpan wants, Panpan gets.”

The gryphon raised its head, proudly offering to argue with anyone who disagreed.

I imagined few did.

Indeed, such a noble creature could choose very much any name it desired.

That was its prerogative … except that were it truly free, it would be less concerned with what humans called it and more with flying off into the horizon, hopefully to tell the other gryphons about my kingdom and that they should consider visiting to meet actual royalty.

Thus, I clenched my fists and frowned. 

“I see …. to think that you’ve managed to shackle this dignified creature to such an extent. I did not take you for a sorceress. What foul magic did you employ? Or did you merely take its children hostage? To force such a majestic gryphon to answer to your lesser whims is a cruel and callous thing. What did you do to bind it to your will?” 

“Nothing.”

“... Excuse me?”

“I didn’t do anything. At least not to bind it to my will. I’m really not that powerful.” 

“Well, you can’t have done nothing. Gryphons do not serve those who are unworthy. Or poor.”

The maiden narrowed her eyes. 

The ire was momentary as she remembered that despite being a con artist, only she had the Big Murder Bird for a pet. Which was fine. I had Apple. And between a giant avian carnivore and his gluttonous appetite, I was certain he could devour more.

“Panpan wouldn’t have anyone but me,” said the maiden proudly. “After all, I was the one who raised him as a chick. Or a cub.”

I was aghast. 

“Are you saying the gryphon thinks you’re its parent?”

“Quite so. I found him shivering in the rain, discarded, fallen and forgotten by its true mother. He was so small that I mistook him for a baby owl. Imagine my surprise when I saw the other half of him.”  

The maiden’s tone was as satisfied as it was shameless.

After all, to endear oneself with a gryphon by simply raising it was absolutely cheating. And if my ancestors could have done the same, I’m certain they would have. Skipping the arduous process of earning a gryphon’s respect by challenging it to mortal combat was clearly the only way this worked.

A problem, then.

This maiden was responsible for squeezing the crowns from my peasants. An outrageous act which now meant I couldn’t do the same. She needed to make amends. But having such a loyal gryphon for a pet was a complication. 

Even with my princess touch, there would be no taming such an enamoured creature.

Thus, I took a deep breath … then dismounted from Apple.

“Very well,” I said with a nod towards the closely watching pairs of eyes. “Then it seems I‘ve little recourse available to me. It’s hardly how I’d hoped to spend my morning. But such is a princess’s duty, I cannot ignore the slight which I see.”

My hand went to my side.

The gryphon responded at once. It rose as it prepared to lunge, the wings unfurling with a sweep so powerful it cleared any semblance of dust and loose gravel from the road. 

And that was excellent.

With a sweep of light to cause even summer to wince, Starlight Grace rose in my grip … before heading back down to neatly scribble upon the dirt road. 

Lesson #1

How To Princess

Both the gryphon and the maiden froze.

A poor choice.

After all … if they knew what turmoil awaited them, they would choose to flee instead. 

Ohohohohohohohoho!

“You may rejoice,” I said with a kindly smile. “For I shall do you the greatest honour ever received. I will personally instruct you in the ways of being a princess.”

The stunned maiden blinked at me.

Slowly, she pointed at herself.

“... Me?”

“Yes. You.”

“You wish to tutor me … in being a princess?”

I tapped my sword against the ground. Yes, just like my tutors with their rulers. It was most definitely not something I always wanted to do.

“I do not wish to do anything. Do not mistake my gift for charity. This is for the survival of princesses everywhere, all of whom you manage to singlehandedly endanger. For while you may be the princess of a petty kingdom certain to be absorbed by a larger rival before the season is finished, you are still a princess … just.”

“Well! I’m glad that you–”

“Indeed, you are the least of princesses. But so long as a gryphon accompanies you, that is a sign of authenticity more than any flag you could plant in the ground. An emergency lesson in conduct is therefore required before you force me to embark on another royal tour.”

I waited for the bawling gratitude to begin. 

Instead, I received only a look of incredulity, followed by a snort. 

“How very amusing. Thank you, Your Highness, for this most generous offer ... but although you’ve found me at a rather unflattering time of my life, it is only a temporary affair. I'm afraid I must decline. I’ve no desire to spend my time being tutored by another princess, galling as I’m sure the experience will be.”

“What you desire and what you require are two different things. And right now, I see someone so far below the standards of acceptability that the surface cannot even be seen.”

The maiden flicked her wrist dismissively. She let out a small sigh.

“Then what would you have me do, exactly? ... Because the answer is very little.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Princesses are expensive,” she said simply. “Something a kingdom lacking size, wealth and international recognition makes immensely difficult to fund. You do not know this–you who have enjoyed the splendour of an upbringing in a kingdom with at least one functioning castle. But for me, things are different. I cannot portray being a princess of luxury for the simple reason I’ve little to enjoy.”

“Incorrect. Poverty and luxury are merely two sides of the same coin. If it doesn’t show the face you enjoy, you only need to flip it.”

The maiden wrinkled her nose.

“How easily the words come to you. Yet the only coins I see are copper and silver. Because demanding anything more sees me staring into an empty coin pouch.”

“Because you offer your time to peasants. You merely need to extend it to the wealthy instead.”

“The wealthy will not humour me. Those I approach are astute enough to know that princesses of higher status than I exist, unless you mean for me to beg for their alms.”

“I would never. On the contrary, it is they who should be begging for just your time. You simply need to be more discerning … or less, as it were.”

I offered an angelic smile and leaned slightly closer. 

The gryphon and the maiden leaned slightly back.

“You are a little known princess from a tiny kingdom. And while this is something I cannot relate to, know that it offers you advantages others cannot abuse. You shall have blackhearted suitors lining the horizon, each hoping for your hand for no reason than to associate with royalty with little of the responsibility to come with it. All of them are yours to exploit.”

A gasp of shock met me.

I didn’t blame her. For some reason, Coppelia was staring directly into my face.

“You speak of rogues and scoundrels!” said the maiden, her voice appalled. “The same as those seeking to consume my home! I will not offer my blessings to those who would use my name only to trample over it!”

“No … but you will consider it. Loudly and openly to everybody. And that means instead of vying for your attention with the lowest effort, those who seek your time will instead compete with each other. "

"Excuse me?"

"As a princess, the less you do, the more you gain. You must never leave your seat, but rather allow others to approach you with gifts in hand, climbing over their beaten rivals to do so.”

The maiden’s lips parted, but no rebuttal came out.

After all … this was advice I’d curated myself.

Ohohohohoho!

Indeed, to decline every invitation, marriage proposal and clandestine meeting was a task as endless as the waves of the Emerald Sea. But while burning letters was somewhat enjoyable, it certainly wasn’t efficient. 

... However!

Those who declined less also needed to be pestered less! 

By making no reply, it ensured that the focus of my suitors was less on me and more on ensuring their competitors fell down a well! 

Yes … because to survive as a princess meant one thing above all else–and that was to be the single most deliberate instigator of chaos which exists!

“Pay close attention,” I said with a jab of my finger, drawing a tiny jump from the naive maiden. “Should you wish to rise in the princess hierarchy, your job is simple. Do as little as possible.”

“W-What?” 

“In the realm of the royal court, eyes are everywhere, and those who learn to replace their words with smiles are ever the most admired.” 

I received a gulp, followed by a small shake of the head.

“... Perhaps in Tirea, but in the Summer Kingdoms, there are more princesses than there are royal courts to house us. Those with gifts to bear would simply turn their eyes elsewhere.”

“True. Which is why you need to go to a place where princesses are few and rivalry is rich. And … ah, I do believe there just so happens to be a vacancy in my very own royal capital. Say … the Noble District?”

The maiden didn’t hide her shock.

“What … What are you suggesting … ?”

“Ohohoho ..." I placed a hand to my chest and smiled. “Only this–I shall extend a formal diplomatic invitation for you to enjoy the sights of Reitzlake. I shall even provide lodgings. In the process, you may accidentally present yourself to my nobility. You a little known princess with a gryphon. They will swarm you like a gluttonous horse to a premium apple. And in turn, you will wreak absolute carnage … I mean, you will humour their interest while they slowly bankrupt themselves to appease you.”

Her green eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

And why not?

It was an offer which benefited her almost as much as me.

Ohohohohohoho!

Here it was!

Operation: Decoy Princess!

Indeed, Reitzlake had an infinite supply of nobility and not a single princess! Should this maiden present herself in the heart of the Noble District with just her title and her gryphon, it would be utter anarchy!

And most importantly … I would find myself spared of their constant harassment!

I …. I was a genius!!

“You … You would do that?” asked the maiden in disbelief, not knowing the wailing which would soon be at her windows. “You would permit me to reside in your own capital? ... For free?” 

“Of course. Why not? We regularly host princesses. It's a popular tourism destination. Crown Princess Analaide of Rozinthe recently visited just to admire the docks.”

“Crown Princess Analaide of Rozinthe has been deceased for 700 years.”

“Yes, I’m told she enjoyed the visit greatly.”

The maiden’s look of joy briefly faltered.

Understandable. Every now and again, I could also smell a whiff of the odour which wafted from Reitzlake’s sewers.

“My kingdom … it has little in the way of much,” she said hesitantly. “In fact, it is more or less a flooded plains. I fear there’s little I could do to repay such generosity.”

“Well, then I suggest you work to improve that. The nobility will petition for your time in droves. They will view the size of your kingdom as an opportunity to fatten their purses. Yet should you prove yourself amidst the vipers, then you’ll be able to ensure their crowns work only to raise your kingdom from … well, whatever marsh it unfortunately sounds like it’s submerged in.”

The princess was speechless.

Her eyes blinked repeatedly as she took me in. After all, she might be from the Summer Kingdoms, but this was the first time she’d seen the sun.

Still, there was nothing she needed to say. The gryphon dipping its beak was enough.

… As well as the money she took from my peasants. 

That I very much still needed.