Chapter 392: No Exemptions

The troll’s bauble had told no lie.My destination was clear to me. I needed to return to my bedroom!

But first a minor detour … and that involved visiting the least auspicious garden in my kingdom. 

A patch of herbs hidden behind a tiny cottage.

There was no hint of violet begonias or carefully hidden shortcakes here. Only things so discoloured or wilted they were already halfway into a cauldron. But while the pungent roots and leaves did their best to slight my nose, there was no hiding the distinctive acridness lingering in the air.

It was alarmingly similar to what wafted occasionally from Clarise’s observatory.

And that was good. For once.

As splendid as even the faintest image of the Royal Villa was, none of those toiling in preparation of my return consisted of a certain woman whose lack of smiling would see her barred by my guards. 

Yet for all the things a magical pebble lacked, a cat conjured by a different mage powerful enough to induce despair in trolls was a different matter. 

Especially if it said so.

“The woman you seek was here not two days ago,” stated the cat, idly flicking its tail as Coppelia pillaged the worst of the herbs directly into her pouch. “An unfortunate thing. She set the kitchen aflame. I am quite disappointed. The replacement dining table simply isn’t the same.”

I nodded as I regarded the modest plot of land around me, squeezed unnaturally between the terraced townhouses and the endless bars.

The cat had proven itself true. 

Miss Lainsfont had been here. 

She’d left her signature, after all. A job half finished.

“You’ve my sympathy. For Miss Lainsfont to claim the mantle of ultimate cackling power while doing less than a newly hatched dragon is a waste. Had she any decency, she would have burned down the entire cottage so that it could be rebuilt as something bigger.”

“I agree. Sadly, her flames were merely a greeting in the strange manner which all mages abide by.”

“But not your conjurer, I take it?”

“Indeed. My conjurer, as you would title her, demonstrates appropriate restraint when it comes to flames. Her only magic was to render assistance regarding a mutual concern.” 

“My, how mildly suspicious … and who would be powerful enough to earn Miss Lainsfont’s wayward flames while still offering aid?”

“Someone whose interests rarely fall outside her research or the herb garden now being openly robbed.” 

Coppelia innocently glanced up. 

I nodded at her to continue.

The fewer suspect herbs to exist, the fewer witches waiting to emerge from a cauldron. 

I only needed the one.

“Very well, then. And where might my missing mage be?”

“The woman departed through a fixed portal. To where, only the lady of the cottage may say. She has been informed of your presence and is returning with due haste.”

The cat paused.

“... She also wishes to implore for the clockwork doll to remove herself from the withermoss patch.” 

Boomph.

It was a warning Coppelia heeded just in time.

All of a sudden, the very air warped before us as the fabric of reality flaked away just a little bit more in my kingdom. A glimmering portal came into its existence, its surface rippling like a pond in a gale as it revealed a world of dense greenery and gnarled oaks somewhere over the horizon.

Naturally, I patiently waited.

Despite the modesty of the cottage, this was no ordinary conjurer. 

That Miss Lainsfont would trouble her was evidence of this … as well as the fact that she could summon magical cats. A valuable asset. If they could elude the grasps of trolls, then they could also escape the ambitions of adventurers. Preferably while taunting them. 

I sensed a business opportunity.

Which was why … as a woman whose witchly attire was only partially ignored due to her crystalline wings glittering like embers beneath the fading afternoon, I was ready to offer the appropriate respect.

“Good afternoon,” said the fae, the noble features of her face lighting up with a polite smile. “Please do not be alarmed. I am Countess … w-wait, what are you–”

“Back! Back into the portal!”

“W-Wait! Why are you … please do not push me … wait, stop! I haven’t introduced myself!” 

“An introduction is unnecessary! Go back into the portal!” 

“No, wait, I don’t want to go back into the portal! I … I just came from there!”

“Then it means you already know the way! Now leave! Shoo!”

“Wait! Waaait!”

I didn’t wait.

Instead, I wore the most beautiful grimace a princess could display, hands pressed against the fae as I moved to deport the latest intruder into my kingdom.

Her response was to flap her wings, her fingers gripping the edges of the magical portal as she struggled against the weight of authority. And also Coppelia as she helped to tickle the defenceless fae.

“S-Stop! … This is … ahahaha … please, this is … this is unseemly … ahaha … please allow me to explain!”

“There is nothing to explain! How many times must you violate your own laws to be here?!”

“I … I have permission from the Summer Queen!”

“And what about the queen of this kingdom?!”

The fae paused in her struggling.

“Well, I–”

“Shoo! Shoo!”

“Waaaait!”

The fae dug her heels in the ground. Not the ground here. But the ground on the other side of the portal. Wild grass, daisies and even the soil formed a dam as she anchored herself. 

Eventually, as the resistance increased and Coppelia’s tickles gradually lost effectiveness, I ceased to push and started pointing instead.

“I’ve made myself clear on multiple occasions! If you wish to enter my kingdom, you must go through an arduous 182 page application process which I’ll reject without even reading! How dare you brazenly trespass! … Are you here to spy on me?!”

“I don’t even know who you are!”

I leaned back and gasped.

“H-How dare you not know who I am! Do the fae queens not incessantly gossip about me because they have nothing better to do?!”

“I wouldn’t know! I’ve been away from the Summer Court for 287 years! I’ve been doing research!”

“Research?! Is that what you call sowing the seeds of invasion?!”

“It’s not that! I promise! … I’m only here to study the culture of this kingdom!”

A pause.

“... Why?” I asked with a cautious frown.

“Well, it’s because I was curious.”

“Is that so … as opposed to the cultures of other nations?”

“Indeed!” The fae nodded earnestly. “The Kingdom of Tirea is unique. Although I’ve long held a fascination with the mortal realm, I find that out of every kingdom, empire, principality and dukedom to exist, it’s the one here which is most worthy of my attention. The great and the famed can be found in abundance in all four corners of the world. But only in this land can the mighty truly be found.” 

I blinked.

For a moment, no sound was heard other than the wings of the fae as she still tried exiting the portal.

And then–

“O-Ohohohoho! M-My! Why didn’t you say so? You should have told me from the start!”

“Ah, well, I was somewhat aware that my presence here isn’t locally approved …”

“A minor issue! Why, there just happens to be an expedited permit for those interested in admiring this kingdom for study purposes! You should take it! It’s a simple application process which involves repeating the words you just said to the staff at the Granholtz Embassy while pretending you accidentally ended up in the wrong building!”

“Really? I … I had no idea. I must keep that in mind.”

“There’s no rush! Indeed, as long as you do it within the next 5 minutes, all is well! … In fact, since you’re more or less pre-approved, why don’t you take this opportunity to ask any questions you wish answered? I’d be quite content to be interviewed!”

“Oh, well, that’s actually quite convenient! … In that case, could you explain how you survive?”

“Excuse me? What do you mean … ‘survive’?”

The fae’s eyes glittered. 

“I’m studying how the culture in this kingdom has developed in such a way as to endure overwhelming adversity. The Fae Realm is a land of eternal plenty. We do not lack for wealth, poetry or beauty. But here, it is an objectively unremarkable kingdom, small and without joy. I am deeply curious regarding how it has not simply crumbled from widespread internal animosity.”

I simply nodded.

A moment later– 

“... Back! Back into the portal!”

“Waaait! I’m … I’m here to help!”

“You can help by paying taxes! Just because you’ve been squatting here for 287 years doesn’t mean you are exempt!”

“But I do pay taxes! … Occasionally!”

“Occasionally?!” 

“W-Wait, stop pushing! The inspectors keep leaving due to the smell! But I have money! And ledgers!”

Poof.

All of a sudden, a slightly damp box appeared beside me.

Within was a tidy heap of copper and silver, interrupted by the odd twinkle of gold and a considerable amount of records. 

There were scrolls, receipts and tokens … and although the ink had clearly faded from much of the parchment, what remained the same was the stamp of my kingdom’s tax authority.

I carefully flicked over the topmost layer, then sent a frown towards the slightly sweating fae. 

“Very well.” I clicked my fingers. “Explain in five words or fewer where Miss Lainsfont is, how you’re involved and whether or not your help will involve something exploding.”

The fae did her best to straighten her posture, all the while still awkwardly stuck within her portal.

She gave it a moment’s thought.

“... Witches,” she simply said.

I let out a small groan.

Usually, a single word was rarely sufficient. And yet this time, it told me everything I either needed or wanted to know.

“Ugh, fine.” I rubbed my temples in anticipation. “Please explain.” 

The fae gave a curt nod.

“I am Countess Yrainde of the Cindered Bloom. Miss Lainsfont sought me out regarding a number of pressing queries she had related to her heritage. In response, I directed her to those best placed to answer. She has gone to make contact with the Hexenkreis Clan.”

“... Who?”

“The last remaining witches of the kingdom. Miss Lainsfont is now visiting their village.”

Of course she had.

Because why stay and enjoy the coastline? The sea was clearly not flammable enough.

The village of the witches, on the other hand, was doubtless a different matter.

A place as lost to all maps as it was to memory. 

Why our newly titled Witch of Calamity would seek it out was hardly a mystery. 

She rightfully had questions. Except that if her answers led her anywhere other than Soap Island, then they were wrong.

“Very well … and where might this highly suspicious village be found, then?” 

“In the Ivywood, through which this portal leads.” The fae gestured by waving her arm through. “My familiar informs me that you seek Miss Lainsfont. Your copper ring has already been noted. Why the Adventurer’s Guild would wish to find her is something I can easily guess … but that is not a matter which concerns me. I am only here to help you do so.”

She tip-toed away from the portal, relishing in the softness of her herb patch. 

I choose not to take her place.

“I’m here to invite an overly stressed mage into a world of bubbly rehabilitation. For what reason are you offering assistance? … Is this part of your libelous research?”

“Another day, perhaps,” she admitted. “But not now. I’ve been given a separate task related to the Hexenkreis Clan. I’m to deliver a message.” 

“A message? What message?” 

“That is one only I can say. However, I can confirm it is not villainous.”

I rolled my eyes.

The fact that the fae had to confirm these things spoke for itself.

“How mundanely troubling. Yet if you’re aware of where the witches are, then what is the issue? Unlike parts of your cottage, I can see the forest hasn’t been set on fire yet.”

“What you see is only a trick of the eye. A powerful barrier exists which obscures sight and prevents entry into the village. A barrier Miss Lainsfont managed to pass. I’m uncertain how … but I believe it was through a means which was unintended. The barrier was not breached as she intended.”

“Excellent. In that case, I shall break it. Rest assured, there’s nothing my delicate touch cannot solve.” 

The slightest hint of doubt flashed across the fae’s expression.

I hardly saw why. She’d felt the strength of it prodding and pushing her away.

“I’m not certain what your delicate touch involves. However, I must note that this barrier is an anomaly–both in strength and application. The Hexenkreis Clan have traditionally delighted in having guests accidentally stumble across them. I previously theorised that something nefarious was at play. Over the past few hours, I’ve come to believe that this is now rather likely.”

The wings of the fae ceased to flap.

“There is the smallest hint of magic escaping,” she stated. “It is powerful enough that no barrier can prevent its detection. It is not of the arcane. But the infernal. There is something at least moderately concerning now occurring in the village. Due caution is warranted. Should you proceed, I will not be able to assist further.”

I nodded.

And then–

“Ohohohohohoho!”

I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.

It was a response which drew a look of shock from the fae. But that was to be expected. 

She’d managed to go 287 years with only sporadic visits from my tax inspectors. A damning, if somewhat notable feat.

But I was a princess. And no odour was enough to keep me away from my duties. Otherwise, I would have regularly surrendered upon waking up. Which I never did. And so long as Coppelia was there to drag me out of bed, that would forever remain the case.

Indeed, caution truly was warranted. For everybody in arrears.

A hidden village in a forest was many things–including a haven for freeloaders, no matter what they called themselves, what shape they took or what brand of forbidden magic they wielded.

A problem. But not for me.

After all–

If the fae could pay taxes, then so could everyone else.